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“No,” he was quick to say. “I think he loved my mother, in his own way. He wasn’t an overly emotional man, but we were never allowed to disrespect our mom—and though money was tight, he always made sure my mom had enough to drive to Boise every year and buy herself a new wardrobe. She loved clothes,” he said in a whisper. “She never just spent the money on herself, though. She always brought something back for each of us, even my dad. He always took whatever it was back, be it a new coat or boots, which used to make me angry because I could see how it hurt my mother. But he would always come back with a dress or a cheap string of pearls for her. I didn’t realize until I got older that he knew he couldn’t give her the life she deserved, but he wanted to do what he could for her.”
His dad sounded like a good man to me, but I kept that to myself for now. “Did that upset your mom when he would do that?”
“I think it frustrated her, but looking back it was probably because my father was last to get anything,” his voice wavered. “The selfless SOB,” he lamented. “But he was selfish too,” Drake added, as if to make himself feel better. “The man wouldn’t even take time to play catch with us. And we weren’t allowed to do anything extracurricular. ‘The farm was our extracurricular activity,’ he would say.” Drake clenched his fists as if he were still angry about it. Or angrier with himself.
“Drake, that must have been very difficult. And I know you don’t want me to make you feel better, heaven forbid, but most children don’t realize the sacrifice their parents make until they’re adults. I know I had no idea until I had Jameson. Having him gave me a whole new appreciation for my mom and dad.”
“Yes, but you, unlike me, didn’t show such utter contempt that it broke your family. I gave my mother an ultimatum—it was me or my father.”
I propped myself up on his chest and met his watery eyes. I tried to keep my own a normal size after the tidbit he’d just shared.
“You heard me right,” he said, before I could respond. “I told my mother I couldn’t take another day living on that damn farm, so I was going to live with Jameson, who had long since graduated. She could come with me or stay, but either way I was gone. I rendered my mother speechless, and when she said nothing, my father told her to take me and go.” He paused, his breathing becoming more ragged. “The last thing he ever said to me, as he stood by my door while I packed was, ‘Don’t ever come back here. You’re not welcome. I wish you all the hell you put your mother and me through. Someday when you look back, I hope you see what you did, and that you can live with it.’”
I gasped before my hands could cover my mouth. I couldn’t imagine any parent saying that, even in anger. Though I knew some children were talked to like that every day, which broke my heart. My heart was breaking now for Drake.
“Don’t feel sorry for me,” Drake begged. “I don’t deserve it. He was right; I can see what I did, and it’s been excruciating to live with.”
“So, you’ve punished yourself by making sure you never had a family of your own,” I guessed.
“Why should I get one when I did everything I could to destroy one?”
I rested my hand on his stubbled, burning cheek. “People make mistakes, Drake. And whether or not you knew what you were doing, you were a kid. You have to take that into account. And people say things they don’t mean in anger. I bet your father regrets some of the things he said to you.”
He took my hand and kissed my palm. “Maybe,” his voice hitched. “I’ve never told anyone this, but six months later I starred in my first school play, and during the final bow I saw my father standing in the back of the auditorium. I don’t know how he knew about it or why he was there. He was gone by the time the curtain fell.” His voice trembled as he closed his eyes.
I was honored he would share such a thing with me. “Why didn’t you tell your mom?”
He opened his eyes, and such regret lived in them. “I was afraid if I told my mother, she would go back to him. And I wanted to punish him for telling me I couldn’t audition for plays because there was too much work to do on the farm. I wanted him to pay for everything I thought I had missed out on because of him.” Remorse and a pain so palpable laced every word. “And all I could think of was the last thing he had said to me. I wasn’t his son.”
