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Body in a low-grade, unceasing tremor, Max reached over and grabbed his bundle of flowers. White daisies. Nice and simple. Yet inexplicably beautiful. Just like his Kevin. Except, where they were finally free from the dirt, Kevin would be buried in the stuff forever.
Max exhaled raggedly and climbed from his truck, then reluctantly crossed the street. He’d have to scale the privacy fence without anyone seeing him. On a typical day, that’d be no problem. As of late, though, his limbs barely cooperated at all, operated at a bare fucking minimum.
Dumping his flowers between the rungs, he carefully climbed over, careful not to impale himself on the decorative spikes across the top. His feet touched back down with a quiet thump. His eyes warily scanned the grounds. Just follow that small, paved winding road. Around the bend and over to the right. Max forced himself to walk, that ever-present lump in his throat growing bigger, more painful with each and every step. There was no place on the face of the Earth, in the whole fucking universe, that he wanted to be less.
He arrived at his dreaded destination in under ten, though it should only have taken him five. Coming to a stop in front of Kevin’s grave, Max’s destitute gaze took in the sight. Regarded the long, fresh mound of soil covered with every kind of flower. A blanket of love, a shroud of tender grief. Max clenched his jaw, moved his eyes to the gravestone. A flat, grey plaque placed flush with the ground, engraved with the dates of Kevin’s beginning and end.
Kevin Sanders
1985 – 2003
May his gentle soul find everlasting peace.
Tears trickled free, running unchecked down Max’s cheeks. At least Kevin’s parents got one thing right. Kevin had been gentle. And beautiful. And kind. Too bad they had to snuff all that out. That God of theirs better give them what they deserved.
Max’s body trembled harder as he pulled his eyes away, his green gaze settling back on Kevin’s mound. He still couldn’t believe it. Couldn’t believe Kevin was gone. They hadn’t even begun their adventures yet. Living life to its fullest, side by side, for decades and decades to come.
Jesus God. What the fuck happened?
Max’s hand went slack. Kevin’s daisies dropped to the grass.
He’d never be able to touch him again. Smell his warm skin. Feel his lips. Max could throttle himself. Why didn’t he kiss him one last time on that stretcher? Touch his face, his hair, fucking anything?!
A raw, desolate sob tore up his throat.
“Kevin,” he croaked out. “Why’d you leave me? What the fuck? I’m so fucking lost without you.”
More anguish choked him. His broken heart heaved. Then every single floodgate collapsed.
“You didn’t have to do this,” he wept. “I told you I’d be strong… I told you I’d be strong for the both of us.”
It was pointless to argue Kevin’s actions. Max knew this. He did. But he just couldn’t help it. Didn’t care. Because he was finally losing it. Finally falling apart. After barely holding it together for days.
Soul-shredding sobs shook his teenage frame. Sucked the strength right out of his legs. He dropped to his knees. “I was gonna be strong! For both of us!” he wailed. “I swore it!”
But his forsaken cries wouldn’t be heard by even the dead.
Unable to remain upright, even on his knees, Max collapsed, arms spread atop the dirt. Atop the flowered mound. Atop of his Kevin. As if desperately trying to hug him.
“It hurts, Kev,” he sobbed. “God, it hurts so fucking bad. Please. Kevin, please. Make it stop.”
But Kevin didn’t. Not even a little. So Max cried till it hurt to breathe, too. Till exhaustion finally came to pull him under.
And he’d thought to make peace? Who the hell had he been kidding? There’d be no peace for Max tonight. There’d be no peace for Max ever.
* * * * *
Max woke to the sound of birds chirping overhead, to the feel of dew-dampened dirt beneath him. The sun’s first rays had just breached the horizon. Now they beckoned his swollen eyes to open. He didn’t want to open them, though. Didn’t want to see. That the nightmare was still real. That the world still continued.
Because then he’d have to continue, too.
Something he’d barely been doing, as it were, since his first visit to Kevin’s grave a week ago. Every night since, he’d been consistently drawn there. As if his mind was just following some natural course of action, transitioning the cemetery to his new second home. The criteria? Wherever Kevin was. Like some hard-wired compass inside Max’s heart.
A raw ache surged in the center of his chest. He grimaced. Gasped for breath. Oh, God. Here it came. The vicious pain that re-broke him every morning. Battle-ramming the remnants of the previous day’s walls. Crushing him into a million brand-new pieces.
