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From his periphery, Sean eyed him. “What’s wrong with that?”
“Nothing for a normal person, but I’m not fucking normal.”
“Why aren’t you normal?”
Max hesitated. The part of himself that he was about to divulge, he’d only just recently admitted to himself. A shameful truth that made him feel less than. Less than and weak. And definitely not something he wanted Sean to know about.
Bite the damn bullet. You owe him this.
“Because I’m fucked in the head, Sean. Because my brain isn’t right… And when my heart gets involved it’s even worse.”
There. He’d said it. He was a goddamn mental case.
“Were you always like this?” Sean asked, his voice softer.
Max shook his head.
“Something happened?”
A small nod.
“Max, tell me. What happened to mess you up so freaking bad?”
Say it. Just say it. Or he’ll never understand.
God knew, it was the least Max could do to make things right. To make up for all the horrible shit he’d done. Thing was, this was huge for him. He never talked about this with anyone. Only once with Scott, and that was ten years ago. Because broaching the subject was like drinking fucking poison. Like deliberately marching straight into Hell.
He didn’t want to think about it. It was his worst fucking nightmare.
But he would. For Sean. Only for Sean.
He cleared his throat and went for it, pulse starting to race. “My best friend since grade school… His name was Kevin…” A lump welled up in his throat. He cleared it again. “We were tight… Really tight… Only person I ever loved... Loved that fucking kid with all I had.”
He could feel the tears threatening. God, this shit friggin’ sucked. He blinked a couple of times. Inhaled deep. Stared at the waters. “By the time we graduated we’d made all kinds of plans. Go to the same college, then hit the work force running. The future was at our feet. I couldn’t wait.”
Memories bombarded him. Kevin’s smile. Kevin’s voice. Kevin’s hand in his. The way his hugs felt. The way he kissed Max... The way he loved him. Max’s heart howled for mercy, begging him to stop. To stop tearing open old wounds and just shut up.
Max tamped down a groan and kept on going, his timbre thick with emotion, his chest throbbing. “But that future never happened… Because he went and fucking died... Wrecked my whole goddamn world and fucking split.” Fresh anger spiked, his instinctive defense, but he clenched his jaw and fought it back. “The end.”
Sean didn’t reply at first. Probably had no clue what to say. Good. The sooner this conversation ended, the sooner Max could lock shit back up again.
He looked at Sean.
Sean met his gaze. “I’m sorry,” he murmured. “I didn’t realize. I shouldn’t’ve pushed.”
Max shrugged. “I’m not exactly an open book.”
Sean glanced away, eyes thoughtful. “So that’s why relationships are a hard limit.”
“Yeah… I don’t wanna ever go there again. It was horrible. Screwed me up so fucking bad.”
“But Max…” Sean turned back again, his voice still soft. “That’s not gonna happen with me. You understand this, right? I’m not gonna die on you. We’re good.”
Max shook his head. “No.”
Sean shifted to face him. “Max.”
“No. I don’t want it.” Max heart rate kicked faster. Just the prospect alone made him queasy.
“But you’re depriving yourself unnecessarily.”
“No, I’m forgoing what won’t work. I told you, Sean. I’m not right. My head won’t allow it. Won’t let me ever go there again. It just won’t.”
Sean scooted closer. “Let me fix you.”
Max’s chest clenched. Someone wanted to fix him for a change. Too bad it wasn’t possible. “You can’t.”
“Yes, I can. I know I can. Just give me a chance.”
Max looked away. “No.”
Sean palmed his cheeks and turned him back again. “Let me try.”
“Sean—”
Sean leaned in and kissed him. Max exhaled. Oh, God. He needed Sean’s mouth like he needed oxygen. But that very same mouth was going to drowned him. Guess he wanted to die because he kissed Sean back. A slow, tender dance of lips and tongues.
Sean moaned low and soft, rose to his knees and pressed closer, his fingers tunneling back to fist Max’s hair. Max reeled, heart hammering. He could feel himself sinking. Sinking into Sean’s blissful dark abyss.
No. God, no. What the fuck was he doing?
His stomach pitched wildly. His hands shot back to clammy. He groaned, then clutched under Sean’s arms and eased him back. “I can’t, Sean,” he rasped. “Don’t do that again.”
Sean’s groan sounded miserable. “But I need you, Max. And I’m not even talking about my dick.”
Feeling’s mutual, cat. More than you’ll ever know.
Which was the fundamental problem. Max couldn’t need anyone ever again. Because needing them meant digging up his heart and handing it over. Handing it over so it could get stomped right back into the dirt. Not that he thought Sean would intentionally do that, but it’d happen. Max knew it would. And he wasn’t fucking interested. Nothing was worth going through that hell again.
