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“Alix, I want to tell you how- I know it sounds crazy, but watching you these past months- I was just- before…”
He worked hard to compose himself. She could see how frustrated he was, since his jaw was ticking and clenching all over the place, so she traced the worn out seat with her fingertips until she found his hand, warm and alive, strong, a little rough, powerful, all Ross, and wound her fingers through his.
She edged in closer, reached out with her other hand, and smoothed his scruffy mahogany hair off his forehead. She let her hand trail down and cupped his jaw.
“I know,” she said softly. “I know. I got the memo that you changed your mind.”
“It was that night right here,” he admitted, glancing up through the window at the tower that stood like a sentinel from another time, so very close to the car. “That night that we talked. Honestly. Openly, probably for the first time ever, really.”
She understood exactly what he meant. They’d laid their hearts bare without even fully meaning to. They’d sat like friends. She’d been there with him on one of the worst nights of his life and he’d let her. They were open to each other, not just with each other, their souls reaching and tangling and tripping all over each other.
“I don’t know why I was so blind for so long. To everything. I- Chance and I- we acted like idiots growing up. When you’re a guy, people don’t want you to have feelings. They don’t want you to have emotions and shit. They just want you to be there for a good time. I worked so hard to build a reputation like that because I thought that’s what you were supposed to do, that I forgot about anything and everything else. I let people think that I was stupid. That I was just out for a good time. I took all these other girls out, expecting to find something, some meaning in it, and there was just- nothing. It was totally empty.”
“I always knew you weren’t stupid. You shouldn’t say that.”
“Did you know that Chance is pretty smart too?”
Alix snorted. “Now that I’d have to see to believe.”
“See. That’s what I mean. It’s all an act. It’s-”
“I know,” she squeezed Ross’s hand. “I was kidding. I’m sorry. That’s a shitty time to make a joke. Ross, I always knew you were smart. You weren’t just some dumb jock who was amazing at football and then decided not to go to college on a full ride because he was lazy. I knew you just needed time to figure out what you wanted. Growing up, I thought you and Chance could do anything. I’m sorry that I was so mad and immature and angry and ridiculous about what happened before prom. I shouldn’t have asked you. I was just this stupid, hopeful kid. I should never have asked you like that.”
“I shouldn’t have responded the way I did.” His hand tightened around hers. “It’s the past though.”
“We’re here now. Even though I’m not totally sure what that means.”
“I want to do something with my life, Alix. I want to set my parents up so they can retire, or at least, force them to do it. I want to go somewhere. See the world. Do shit that I didn’t do before because I was too afraid to leave here and when I finally got that kick in the ass that I needed and had the money, mom got sick. I- watching her go through that- them telling her that it might just be all over, it makes you really evaluate what’s important. What you want to do. What you want out of all of this before you don’t get another chance.”
“I know,” Alix breathed, her heart hammering wildly. “We’re still both really young. I understand why you feel that way, but trying to figure things out, Ross, it’s okay. That you didn’t know before. I knew you weren’t dumb. I knew you had the ability to do anything you wanted. You freaking made more money in stocks overnight than anyone could even dream of. You invested your inheritance. If you’d lost, you wouldn’t have anything. I think that’s what most people don’t think about. I know that people don’t know about your mom and what’s going on and what happened before, but- Ross- I’ve seen you with her these past two months. I know you have the best heart. I’ve always thought that. Even when you didn’t choose to use it. You were always there for me. Sometimes I knew it. Sometimes I didn’t. You’ve always watched out for me.”
“Except the one night you needed me most.”
Alix felt her face heat up. She stared ahead, at Bertha’s steering wheel. “That wasn’t right. I’m sorry I put you in that position. Twice. It was immature and stupid. Both times.”
