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“I came to tell you, that what you told me a few nights ago… you need to forgive yourself. You won’t be able to let it go until you do. Even if you move on, it doesn’t mean you have to forget. It doesn’t mean you have to stop loving- what you lost. You can be happy if you give yourself permission to. It wasn’t your fault. You need to believe that and embrace it. I know why you told me. It was because you never thought you’d see me again. You felt safe in that. I know you haven’t told many other people. So that’s the only thing I can figure. It wasn’t that you trusted me. It’s that you wanted to get it out because you thought it would make you feel better. My guess is it didn’t. Because you need to forgive yourself and you need to give yourself permission to be happy and embrace life.”
Callie had no idea what she looked like on the outside, but she knew she was a damn mess on the inside. Inside her head, she was screaming. She was screaming and wailing. She was drowning. Drowning in grief. Drowning in guilt. The fact that Matt got it so bang on, what she’d done, astounded her. She was ashamed to admit that she thought he was just some spoiled rich kid who liked to fuck pretty women, who of course fell all over him because he was attractive and had money. And occasionally, he liked to take down his secretaries, because that also somehow fit with the MO. I was wrong. I was so wrong.
Instead of admitting it though, it was easier to lash out. It was easier to drive him away. Callie blinked back the tears burning up the underside of her eyelids. She swallowed past the massive lump in her throat.
“What do you know about embracing life? You’ve had everything handed to you. Everything was easy for you. Women, people, they were just conquests. Yeah. I know about you. I know about your reputation. I was warned off. Don’t think I ever took it seriously. I knew you wouldn’t stick around. I wanted to keep it professional, but you wouldn’t let me, and you got what you wanted. I think that’s probably enough, isn’t it? You don’t have to feel bad for me. You don’t have to show up here like some fucking knight on a white horse and tell me everything is going to be okay. I’m a big girl. I can take care of myself. I’m sorry if I didn’t make that obvious, so I’ll make it clear now. I’m fine. I’m going to be fine. Telling you did help me that night and I am moving on.”
Matt never broke eye contact. He stared at her and the seconds ticked by in painful, horribly awkward silence. “Okay.” He stood slowly.
Callie didn’t dare move. She barely dared to even breathe. She wanted to take back her angry outburst. What she wanted to do was cry. She wanted to release that flood of tears that she’d never truly let herself cry. Not over the loss of her child. Not over Ben leaving her the night before their wedding. Not over her family. She wanted to let go and just weep like everyone else. She wanted to tell him she wasn’t okay. That she doubted she’d ever be okay. She wanted to tell him she was sorry and that she knew he was just trying to help. He’s the first person I’ve wanted to tell. The realization shook her. She hadn’t just told Matt that night because she was never going to see him again. I wanted to tell him. She couldn’t even begin to process what that meant. Especially since Matt was already halfway across the living room.
She thought about him leaving like that, silent, just slip into those expensive shoes and let himself out and that she’d never see him again. The pain that blossomed in her chest was violent and not completely expected. When she actually allowed herself to feel, it really did hurt.
Matt turned and their eyes locked. Can he tell? Can he tell how much I really don’t want him to leave? She’d never tell him. She’d never let him know. In her experience, opening yourself up always meant getting hurt. Trusting someone always meant being betrayed.
“You know, Callie, not everyone is like Ben.”
He left her with those words, softly spoken, but they echoed through the apartment like a yell. Just like the sound of the door quietly closing at the entrance was as loud as a clap of thunder.
CHAPTER 17
Matt
As soon as Matt walked into work the next morning, he knew he was in for it. Chantara sat ready and waiting behind the desk that used to be Callie’s. She eyed him up under half-closed lids as he walked by, scowling fiercely. The minute he made it into his office, she darted in behind him.
