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I’m already heading into the house. I’m already on the way.
“So pack.”
— Part 2 —
Each species of wood has its own distinctive patterns and colors, which are revealed when the bowl is turned.
—Philip Moulthrop
Keep Austin Weird
We get on a 6:55 A.M. flight out of San Jose.
It’s been forty-six hours since Owen left for work, forty-six hours since I’ve heard a word from him.
I give Bailey the window seat and take the aisle, passengers knocking into me as they make their way to the one bathroom in the back of the plane.
Bailey leans against the window as far away from me as she can get, her arms folded tightly against her chest. She is wearing a Fleetwood Mac tank top, no sweatshirt, goose bumps running up her arms.
I don’t know if she is cold or upset. Or both. We have never flown together before, so I didn’t think to remind her to put a sweatshirt in her carry-on. Not like she would have heeded my advice anyway.
Still, suddenly, this feels like Owen’s greatest crime. How did he not provide me with a point of reference before he disappeared? How did he not leave behind a set of rules on how to take care of her? The first rule: Tell her to pack a sweatshirt when she gets on a plane. Tell her to cover her arms.
Bailey keeps her eyes glued to the window, avoids eye contact. It’s just as well that she has no desire to talk. I start taking notes in my notebook instead. I work on making a game plan. We land at twelve thirty local time, which means it will probably be close to two before we make it to downtown Austin and check into the hotel.
I wish I knew the city better, but I’ve been to Austin only once before, during my senior year of college. It was Jules’s first professional assignment (she was paid to the tune of $85 and a hotel room) and she invited me to tag along. She was photographing the Austin Chronicle’s Annual Hot Sauce Festival for a Boston food blog. We spent most of our time in Austin at that festival, burning our mouths off on a hundred different kinds of spiced ribs and fried potatoes and smoked veggies and jalapeño sauces. Jules took six hundred photographs.
It wasn’t until shortly before we were heading out of town that we wandered outside of the gardens in East Austin where the festival was being held. We found a hilltop that gave us the most incredible view of the downtown skyline. There were as many trees as skyscrapers, more clear sky than clouds. And the coziness of the lake somehow made Austin feel less like a city and more like a small town.
Jules and I decided then and there that we were going to move to Austin after graduation. It was far less expensive than New York, far easier than Los Angeles. We didn’t really consider it when the time came, but in that moment, that’s what it felt like, looking down over the city. It felt like looking at our future.
This certainly isn’t the future I’d imagined.
I close my eyes, trying to not let it subsume me, the questions that keep rolling through my head on a terrible loop, the questions I need answers to: Where is Owen? Why did he need to run? And what did I miss about him that he was too afraid to tell me himself?
That’s part of the reason I’m sitting on this plane. I have this fantasy that by leaving the house, it will trigger something in the universe that makes Owen come home home again and offer up the answers himself. Isn’t that how it’s supposed to work, the kettle boils once you stop watching? As soon as we land in Austin, there will be a message from Owen asking where we are, telling me that he is sitting in our empty kitchen waiting on us, as opposed to the other way around.
“What can I get you ladies?”
I look up to see the flight attendant standing by our aisle, her silver drink cart in front of her.
Bailey doesn’t turn her head from the window, her purple ponytail the only thing facing out.
“Regular Coke,” she says. “Lots of ice.”
I shrug, a peace offering for Bailey’s shortness. “Diet, please,” I say.
The flight attendant just laughs, unoffended. “Sixteen?” she whispers.
I nod.
“I have a sixteen-year-old myself,” she says. “Twins actually. Believe me, I get it.”
This is when Bailey turns around.
“I’m not hers,” she says.
It’s true. It’s also something Bailey may have said on another day, eager to correct the record. But just now it sounds different and it stings in a way I have trouble hiding on my face. It isn’t just about how it makes me feel. It’s also about the reckoning that’s coming for her on the heels of her comment—the impossible realization that hating or disavowing me is a whole lot less fun when, at the moment, I’m the only person that she has.
