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I couldn’t imagine how that got there, unless it was the sucking that Ian had done on my neck. I blushed anew, but fell silent without offering further explanation. Arabella might have understood if I told her I had the affections of two men, but she likely would never understand that I let the man I loved give me to a man I didn’t. Worse, that I had enjoyed it.
When all my wounds were stinging and bandaged and I smelled like I’d been pickled in vinegar, a knock came at the doorway. It was Brenna with a shift for me to wear. “It’s a bit tattered, but I managed to mend it,” she said in her mousy voice which, nonetheless, managed to convey some disapproval.
I couldn’t blame her; what was she to think about the fact I didn’t possess any sleeping gowns of my own even after she’d given me several? In fact, since I’d come to the palace, Brenna had been asked to acquire for me new clothes at an alarming rate. Fortunately, she was more concerned about the attempt on the laird’s life than the fact I was wrapped only in a blanket. “
No one was killed?”
“Only the assassin,” I replied. But knowing that Brenna was a timid, I added, “You needn’t be afraid.” The laird had told me how important it was to keep a brave face for the people. “This is a sign of nothing more than the enemy’s desperation. They mean to starve us out, but find themselves cold and undernourished and exposed to the elements. We must simply have fortitude, like the clan’s motto. And we’ll break this siege. They cannot outlast Clan Macrae.”
A shadow appeared in the open doorway. It was the laird, who had heard my words, and his chest puffed up as if in pride. In a low baritone that I had come to treasure, he said, “Perhaps I should have you speak to my men, lass. No doubt, you’ll inspire them.”
It warmed me to be praised in such a way, and I wanted to rush to his arms, bury my face against his shoulder, and cling tightly to his neck. But I managed to keep my dignity as he commanded everyone to leave us. Then he drew up a stool beside me where I sat on Arabella’s bed and examined my face. I thought, at first, he was looking for wounds, but then had the strangest sense he was trying to memorize each contour and curve. “I nearly lost you tonight, mo chridhe.”
Taking his strong hands in my bandaged ones, I said, “And I nearly lost you. T’was a horrible night. I’ll be glad to see the morning.”
A twitch showed itself at the corner of his eye. “Was it a horrible night? The whole of it? Was what we shared with Ian as terrible for you as you feared, my sweet?”
I trembled a bit, fearing his reaction, by near light of day, to how I had behaved in his bed with his kinsman. “You know it was not.”
But the laird’s voice was filled with affection. “What I know is that you fill me with pride, Heather. Never more than this night. You were so perfectly obedient to me. So verra sensual. I have never felt—never truly felt—as if I could dare to love a woman before. I felt as if I didna have the right to. That even if I could bring a woman pleasure, I could never trust in her…or be trusted. But you are some exquisite kind of creature, filled with grace. You find a way to embrace things in me that are difficult, and inspire me to be stronger myself. You are truer to me than any wife could be, and I will be as true to you as any husband. I never want to let you go.”
He had spoken beautiful words to me in the immediate aftermath of our lovemaking with Ian. Words that had touched my heart. But these were even more precious, and as tears slipped over my lashes, I touched his face, softly, to soothe. “Then never let me go, my laird. Because I love you with everything in me. With my every breath and every drop of blood.”
“That is good,” he said, with a whisper, kissing the bandaged palm of my right hand. I felt his whiskers scrape the underside of my wrist as he kissed it again. “That is good. I thank you for that, lass. Because you’ve given me a clarity and steadiness I’ve not felt in quite some time. Which is why I know I must let you go.”
I pulled my hand away, as if it were burned anew. “No.”
I shook my head, unwilling to hear what he would say next. Dreading every word! His Scots brogue always showed itself more strongly when he was upset, and I could see he was upset now. “I canna let you come to me in my rooms at night. I canna have you known throughout this castle as my woman, my mistress, my love. If it doesna end in your death, it will end in my surrender to the enemy, ye ken?”
“No!” I cried again, squeezing my pained hands into fists.
“The enemy wants my head,” he said, throatily. “They willna hesitate to use anything and everything against me, including my heart. That ye were not kilt tonight was a happy accident. I canna risk it again.”
Feeling a panic deep down in my bones, I pleaded with him. “You sent me away from you once before, do you remember? And I was nearly abducted by the enemy. Don’t find some excuse to be apart from me. Not now. Not after telling me that I’m your heart. Not when you need me!”
He hung his head and it was a moment before he spoke again. “I do need you, lass. But I need you alive and well more than I need you in my bed. Which is why you must spend your nights with Ian Macrae.”
It was like cold water had been flung into my face. Though I felt suddenly dizzy, I shot to my feet. I was stopped only by the laird’s firm grip. His eyes found mine, dark and filled with emotion. “Be still, mo chridhe. It is no different than what I already asked you to do, and which you’ve done for me so well…”
I found myself quite incapable of speech or motion. I stared at him, as if the words he’d spoken were in a language I didn’t understand. When I could make my tongue work, my voice came out in a rush. “You were there with me. It was something we did together. It’s entirely different!”
“I’ll still be there with ye,” he said, pressing a kiss just above my breast, where my heart thumped madly. “Right here. Where my kiss lingers. You told me that you’d never resist me, lass. You promised me again, just tonight, that you will always obey me. That you’re mine to take or give away.”
How that reminder stabbed at me, putting me into agony. I had said those words. I had meant those words. And I’d been true to them, even as I feared he meant to discard me. Now I knew it was true that he meant to discard me.
My laird had paid me in kindness and dresses and his mother’s pearls.
He might love me, but I was, in the end, only his harlot.
I’d been warned that what the laird did to his women should make me curl up in bed and weep half the day. I had not believed it until this moment. For it was not the pain of his belt that would break me. It was the pain of the heartbreak.
As bitterness and bile rose up in my throat, I whispered furiously, “And who will be next after Ian Macrae? Shall I spread myself upon the table in your hall and take all comers? I suppose when the siege is over, you shall give me to some local shepherd or have me set up in a brothel as was your intention all along.”
He blanched as if he’d taken a physical blow. “That’s not the way of it, lass.”
Brushing hot salty tears from my cheeks, I asked, “Then explain it to me.”
He took a deep breath. “I saw tonight that Ian cares for you. That he could be made to care for you even more than he does now. That’s what I need from you. To bed down with him. To make him love you as you made me love you. To find love with him, if you can. That is my command.”
