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“Not too bad, I suppose,” she rasps gravelly. “I can remember a lot it’s just
annoying me that just some of that isn’t there.” I feel her eyes flick towards me but I don’t think she needs me to look back so I don’t. I hope I’m right, it’s hard trying to read her mood so much. “I want to work out why, it isn’t fair. I mean, I know there are people who have this way worse than me, but I just want to know how I can change it. What can I do?”
“There isn’t necessarily anything you can do other than wait…”
This isn’t what Tamara wants to hear so she leans forward in her seat and gives him a fiery eyed look, really showing him just how bad this is for her. “I don’t want to wait. There must be something I can do.”
“There are methods that have helped, but they aren’t guaranteed. Everyone is different.”
“Meds? There are medications I could take for this, right? Can’t I just give that a go?”
“That isn’t something we recommend…” I can feel the doctor’s frustration, and I feel bad for him.
“Then what? I’m supposed to just sit around and wait for them? What if they never come back?”
“There is a chance that will happen, I don’t want to give you any false hope, but I can put together a treatment plan for you that we can use as a starting point. Unfortunately, this is one of those things where trial and error is key. Like I said before and like I’m sure you’ve already been told, this doesn’t affect everyone in the same way. Nothing works for everyone. What’s right for a hundred other people might not work exactly the same for you.”
“Well that’s just stupid.” She snatches her hand away and folds her arms across her chest. “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. With all the progress in modern medicine and there’s nothing can be done for my memory. That’s just crazy, I don’t know what you expect me to do in the meantime. My life is on hold here.”
“Well, that is something I definitely wouldn’t recommend. What you need to do is live your life as normal and get into a routine. That’s more likely to bring your mind back than anything else, just living life.”
Life… I can almost see that word scaring Tamara. Right now, she doesn’t really have much of a routine, no work to get to, nothing to give her purpose, just the planning of our trip. But if she needs routine then we can’t exactly be travelling around the world, can we? That won’t help her at all.
But what should I do? Should I tell her to sort her life out and go alone, just like I planned in the first place, or should I wait for her? To be honest, I don’t even know why that’s a consideration, I already know what I’m going to do. Tamara has changed me, she’s become so important to me, I will do anything for her. If that means putting the trip on hold until she’s feeling up to it, then so be it. I’m willing, for her.
“What sort of things will be in the plan?” I pipe up, wanting to do something useful. “Anything Tamara can be doing at home to help herself? I heard that talking and brain training games can help?”
“Yes, that’s always good to be doing.” The doctor clasps his hands together. “I would agree with that. Also exercise as well, I know that might be the last thing you feel like doing right now, but it boosts your immune systems and sends endorphins racing around your body which can help. Also, there’s something to be said for a positive mental attitude. I’ve seen it make a massive difference in people’s lives. Especially in a case like this.”
I nod slowly, drinking in every word the doctor speaks as if it’s gold dust, but I’m not sure that Tamara feels the same way. I hope she can take in the advice somewhat but this news has sent her sinking fast and it might take a while. Still, with me by her side it’ll be okay. Or so I hope. I have confidence in myself, I think, I just want to be able to pull it off…
“There are many therapy techniques that might work, also physiotherapy has been useful to some. I will also recommend hypnosis, which I know sounds a bit much when you first hear it, but it can be great.”
“Hypnosis?” Tamara snorts angrily. “Oh, wonderful that’s just great…”
“I’m sure it’ll be fine,” I jump in, trying to help out. “You should give it a try, right?”
She turns that glare onto me instead, but I refuse to be intimidated by it. It’s okay, now that I know it’s just her walls up I don’t mind so much. She’ll let them down, she did it before and she’ll do it again.
“Fine,” Tamara eventually gives in. “Whatever. I’m willing to try anything by this point.” She stands up and heads towards the door making me scurry up to catch her. I don’t want to be left behind when she’s acting so unpredictably. “Can we get out of here now? You don’t have anything else to say to me, do you?”
The doctor must be used to this sort of attitude, despite the fact that he’s only trying to help, because he doesn’t bat an eye lid. “Sure, no worries, and we will be in touch with another appointment soon.”
Tamara rolls her eyes but the doctor doesn’t even notice. He’s typing at his computer at the speed of light, probably already mentally onto the next patient. From this point onwards, it’s up to me.
22
Tamara
The fact that no one gets it is the hardest thing, that’s the part I really can’t take. Sure, it might only be the odd spots of memories, to others that might not make it seem too bad, but to me it’s devastating. Just knowing that there are parts of my life completely blacked out to me is really tough. It’s like I’ve been drunk and now everyone can remember my stupid behavior but me. Especially since I acted really out of character.
I want to continue being around Logan, it’s honestly been a lot of fun, but now I can hardly stand to look at him without thinking about the shrill version of me who yelled at him for spilling coffee on him. I just can’t see me doing it, it’s so weird. The more I think about it the less it seems like me…
But Katherine described the scene much like Logan did, backing up everything that he said, even telling me that I was quite cruel, which of course only makes me feel even worse about everything that happened.
I lift my cell phone up in front of me wondering who I should call. I could ring Logan, he’s always telling me to speak to him the moment I’m concerned about anything, but I can’t hear that endless sympathy in his voice again. He makes me feel all weird, everything is completely tainted between us now. The more that I think about the future we planned, the more it slips through my fingers. I don’t even know if we’re together anymore, I know he wants us to be but I’m not sure where my feelings lie, and the trip hasn’t been mentioned at all.
No, I don’t want to call him, he can’t make me feel any better. I roll through the numbers in my contacts until I get to Katherine’s. I should call her instead, she’ll talk me out of this funk again. She’s done it a few times before. But there’s an odd sense in my chest that I don’t really want to speak to her either. Much as she’s been good she very much thinks that I shouldn’t wallow and I should just move on. I don’t know if I can.
