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I reached for him, but he backed away.
“Look, I’m not angry, or anything like that. I just don’t want to do that again. That’s it. I don’t blame you for anything…
“Yes, you are. That’s exactly what you’re doing, Johnathan. You’re using my words against me. I told you that I was looking for adventure by hiking the mountain, not fucking my way up it!”
He seemed slightly taken aback by my irate candor but didn’t allow that to waiver his misguided conviction.
“Well, maybe I realized what we did was wrong, and I don’t want any part of it.”
“Oh, yeah, that’s great! Mr. I’m gonna go hide up in the mountains, because I can’t deal with life, is going to try to be a beacon of morality all of a sudden. Just admit it, you wanted to be with me, just as much as I wanted to be with you. Now, you regret it…That’s fine. Shit happens, but I don’t think it has anything to do with me. I think you’re punishing yourself for something.”
“No, you’re wrong. I’m just trying to mitigate the damage for both of us. You’re up here, all alone, with only me and the dog, so it’s all well and good, but the moment you get back to your perfect suburbia, it isn’t the fucking guide that tried to rape you, it’s the goddamn mountain man that used you and betrayed you.”
“Wow!” I exclaimed, “Why would you think I would ever do that to you? Or to anybody, for that matter? How much of a bitch do you think I am? Or, is it just all women?”
“For your information, it’s not just women, I tend to see the worst in everyone.”
“Obviously,” I insisted, now more readily angry at being accused than hurt. However, I knew that the pain he had caused ran deep. I wanted to say so much to him. I wanted to make him feel awful for trying to hurt me like he was, but I could hardly find the right words to respond to him, much less make him understand how terrible he was being to me. So, instead of trying to reciprocate with an equally degrading blow, I simply huffed and shook my head, “You know what, you can think whatever the hell you want. I can’t stop you from thinking whatever will help you sleep better at night, but just so you know, you’re wrong. I would never do that to you. I am attracted to you. That’s why I slept with you. I didn’t do anything that I didn’t want to do, but for you, to sit there and try to shame me, when it’s really just your insecurities that are making you feel like this…that makes you no better than that shit guide you “saved” me from.”
As I spoke, Johnathan dropped back, his mouth hinged wide open.
However, I didn’t give him any time to respond. I didn’t even care to look at him anymore, so I turned and stomped away, leaving him to brood over his decisions.
I wanted to get the hell out of there as fast as humanly possible.
Chapter 12:
Johnathan
I watched her stomp away from me, and immediately regretted my decision. I wanted to go after her. I wanted to apologize, and I wanted to make sure she knew that I wasn’t actually the two-faced asshole I was pretending to be. I wanted her terribly.
Seeing her eyes well up with tears, knowing that I was the cause made me feel like shit, but I wanted to believe this was what was good for both of us.
I wasn’t angry with her, as I had pulled of my idea to push her away perfectly.
Granted, I did convince myself, at least partially, that this was a good reason for me to try to push her away. She had t
old me that she was looking for an experience, so I went with it.
I was fairly certain it wasn’t true, but I wasn’t willing to take that chance. Not yet. I didn’t think it would be fair to her.
She was so sweet and caring, while I was…broken.
Regardless of how she felt, or what happened between us, it wouldn’t change the fact that she didn’t deserve to have to deal with someone like me. I realized that, for my own good, of course, but also for hers, that I cared enough about her to let her go.
Making promises I wasn’t sure I could keep and trying to be something I wasn’t didn’t bode well for my sanity and it wasn’t fair to Carrie.
I was trying to do what I thought was best for her and if it meant that I hurt her feelings, then so be it.
If I tried and failed at being a good partner, it would hurt her a whole hell of a lot worse. I was sure of it.
What I had done had obviously worked but now, having watched her stand up for herself in such away, part of what made me so angry was that I was now more attracted to her than ever.
I watched as Carrie moved back toward the bed and plopped down on it. She grabbed the pillow and stuffed her face into it.
Again, I wanted to comfort her. I was plagued by the stupid hope that somehow, I could be better. I wanted to make everything right, because I didn’t want to accept the person I had become.
When I was with Carrie, I felt like somebody. Yet, if I hurt her because I was too blind to realize I couldn’t change, it would destroy me.
