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I was getting a little too chummy with this woman and despite my feelings for her, I couldn’t go spilling my guts to her. It wasn’t something I was ready, prepared, or possibly even able to do, so the point was mute.
She could ask all the crazy personal questions she wanted, there was no way I was going to be answering anything else.
She seemed to understand this from my tone, so she didn’t press the issue.
She ended up choosing the game Sorry!
I had forgotten we even owned that game. Though, I tried my best to pretend that I didn’t have any kind of memory attached to it.
However, once we opened it up, a flood of my past came rushing back. The cabin, in addition to everything in it was a reminder of a time that had long past. It was a time I knew would never be possible again and that bothered me.
Yet, thinking about it, for the first time in years, wasn’t as devastating as I thought it would be. I had spent a good amount of time running from my past; even going as far as locking memories away in a closet I almost forgot was there.
When those memories were unlocked, though, it wasn’t the punch in the gut that I feared it would be. Instead, it was comforting, to remember that I had a past, before it all went haywire.
Playing the game reminded me that I was normal, at one time.
Maybe I can be normal again? I thought, though I severely doubted it. I wasn’t the kind of person to be normal; at least, not anymore.
Although, playing the game with Carrie and allowing myself to let go, even for that small amount of time, was freeing. It made me feel revitalized and helped me find a sense of purpose, though I was certain it wouldn’t last.
The game was fun, and the company was even better.
When it was over, the two of us settled back in bed together, comforted by the feel of one another.
By this point, we were both tired. Even though it was still only early-evening, I could tell that Carrie had over-extended herself and therefore, I urged her to rest.
She cuddled up next to me and even as she was trying to argue against her exhaustion, she fell into an all-consuming slumber.
I knew the moment that she fell asleep, because of the small amount of weight that was pressed against me. Her soft breathing hit my chest and her arms searched for me, ensuring that I was as close to her as she could possibly get.
I could feel her in my arms, snuggled next to me, with her head on my shoulder and her hair all around me.
Each breath I took, awarded me a whiff of her sweet, alluring scent. I turned my head and watched her sleep for a while. I felt a sense of contentment that I didn’t think existed anymore; at least not for me.
At first, despite my exhaustion, I didn’t want to fall asleep, because that would mean an end to this day, which had turned out to be pretty damn awesome.
However, as time passed, and my thoughts lead deeper into the recesses of my own, dark and disturbed mind, I started to feel guilty for succumbing.
Although, it was a strange kind of guilt that still left me wishing there was more. I wasn’t sure what to do with this information though, since I really had no use for it.
I had always known that it wouldn’t last, hence not wanting to go to sleep. Yet, despite the growing gnawing guilt, I also felt intensely satisfied. I couldn’t remember the last time lovemaking hadn’t left me wishing there was more.
However, more than simply satisfying, this was amazing. Perhaps it was because I hadn’t had any in such a long time, but I had never remembered it being such an experience.
Every part of me felt alive. I felt refreshed and eager. It was almost as though Carrie had breathed new life into me.
For the first time, I was rejuvenated and excited about life. Possibilities that I never thought I would care enough to contemplate now seemed possible, even achievable.
However, I knew that one wonderful experience wasn’t enough evidence from which to base an entire life, but it was far more encouragement than I had in a long time and I was going to use it to the fullest.
I gazed down at Cassie, who was asleep next to me. She was wrapped up tightly, both in blankets and my embrace. I watched her chest rise and lower as the movement coincided with her breathing. She seemed entirely content. I hop
ed that somehow, this had provided her with the peace of mind she needed to enjoy a good night’s rest. I knew she needed it, after everything she had been through.
I closed my eyes, wishing that I could go to sleep.
However, as excited as I was to feel a certain sense of accomplishment, in having successfully given myself to Carrie, the sense of betrayal I felt had only worsened.
