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For as positive and excited as I was, the insults of my own mind plagued the moment, that was supposed to be peaceful.
I wasn’t sure if I thought going through with the act of lovemaking would help me put the past behind me, breaking the haze of shame that I felt, or if I simply hoped it would. However, I was severely disappointed that nothing of the sort had happened.
Although, for as excited as I was, the sense of treachery I felt I was committing made my stomach churn. I felt sick and disgusted with myself.
How could you do this? I thought, though I knew there was no one I had to answer anymore. Yet, old wounds are the hardest to heal, I suppose.
Trying to ignore the feelings that plagued me, I tried to force sleep upon myself, but that was an unsuccessful endeavor.
So, eventually, I wiggled myself out of the bed, deciding to go for a walk in an effort to clear my head.
When I got up, Jake’s head rose from underneath the covers at our feet, but when he realized that it was only me, he grumbled, huffed, and returned to sleep.
I left Jake there to guard Carrie and Jake didn’t seem to mind.
I quietly exited the cabin and drew in a deep breath of fresh air. I wished for my head to clear, at least minimally, with the breath, but instead, it resorted back to a hazed, worried annoyance as soon as I released the chilly air from my lungs.
I grumbled under my breath and walked out of the clearing, into the woods that have now become the most familiar home I had.
I was comfortable here, but there was a whole world out there that at one time, I wanted to explore.
For the past few years, I couldn’t care less about anything other than my privacy, but the vast mountain now, started to seem a little small.
Am I trying to give myself an excuse to run, or break free? I thought, quickly deciding that I wasn’t trying to get away from Carrie.
In fact, I was trying to find a way to keep her.
I knew that if I was to stay up here, refusing to become part of society, a normal life would never be possible.
So, I needed to give myself a reason to leave, a reason to be normal again, without doing it strictly for Carrie.
If I was going to leave, I needed to ensure that even if things didn’t work out with Carrie, I wouldn’t resort to cutting myself off from humanity. Especially since, I knew I wouldn’t be able to come out here again. There would be too many memories and thus, it would be worse than staying in society.
Contemplating the events and actions taken throughout the past few days, I focused on the escalation. It had felt so right, so natural. It still did.
There was no doubt in my mind that I was more attracted to her now, than I was before we had made love.
I would do anything to be able to give her the chance I knew she deserved…but I also knew that I was getting ahead of myself.
I was certain that thinking this way would only give me false hope. I didn’t want to be up here in the mountains, away from everyone. I wished I felt differently about humanity. I wished I had the ability to forgive and to let go of the past but the fact that I still felt guilty, even though there was nothing to feel bad about was proof that I was incapable of becoming that person.
I couldn’t forgive, and I couldn’t forget. I had made my decision, and apparently, against my wishes and willingness to try, I was unable to commit to attempting to have a normal life ever again.
Why are you sabotaging what is probably your last chance at happiness? I thought, angrily as I pushed my way through the bushes. The physical attempt to relieve the stress wasn’t working. The movement only made me more aggravated and the inconsistency of my racing thoughts was maddening.
One minute, I wanted to figure out how to leave this mountain and try to rebuild my life, hopefully with Carrie by my side but the next, I was giving myself a million reasons why I should stay put.
I couldn’t make up my mind and all I wanted to do was get back to the cabin and go to sleep.
Usually, sex was good for that, but I supposed the guilt counteracted any release of tension the lovemaking had created; resulting in a clusterfuck of doubt, indecision, and confusion.
I certainly didn’t want to feel guilty, especially when there was nothing I could do about it. I had no one to forgive me or hate me for what I’ve done. There was no one that I had in my life that was worthy of judging me, or even forgiving me, because I hadn’t actually done anything wrong. Yet, my conscious seemed to think I had.
I walked around, mostly in a wide circle for about an hour, before I decided that I should return to the cabin.
While I didn’t want to go back, the longer I was out, the more stressed I became about something happening while I was away.
I tried to convince myself that Jake was there, and everything would be fine, but the anxiety I felt eventually got the better of me.
