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I took in a deep breath and brushed my teeth, pulling my hair back in a p
onytail and walking out to the kitchen. I fixed myself some toast, but before I could even think of biting into it, I was back in the bathroom, lying across the toilet, hating my life. My phone buzzed wildly against the marble counter around the sink, and I reached up and grabbed it. It was Hailey.
“Hello?” I answered, sounding almost as miserable as I felt.
“Hey, uh, why do you sound like you are half-dead?”
“Maybe because I feel like my insides are trying desperately to become my outsides,” I said.
“Oh, gosh. Is it the flu?”
“I don’t think so,” I said. “No chills, no aches, and no fever. Well, no aches besides my lower back, but I am assuming it’s just because I have been tossing and turning like crazy at night.”
“Food poisoning?”
“I ate like a bagel and a cup of coffee yesterday,” I said. “And I’ve had food out of the same package.”
“Weird,” she said. “Well, I’ll jump in the car and pick you up some of that soup—”
“Don’t say it,” I said, feeling nauseated again. “Just let yourself in. I’ll most likely be dead on the bathroom floor.”
“Oh, good,” she said. “You know how I feel about finding dead bodies in the kitchen. It’s much harder to clean up after.”
I hung up the phone with her and took a deep breath, laying back on the cold floor and staring up at the ceiling. I laid there, not moving until Hailey showed up, walking through the bathroom door and standing over me, looking down. I groaned loudly and rubbed my face, feeling like the nausea had possibly passed. Hailey reached her hand down and helped me to my feet, leading me into the living room and sitting me down on the couch. I curled up in a ball with my head on the pillow, staring out at the snow falling outside. It was the beginning of February, easily the snowiest month of the year, and I still hadn’t been out on the slopes since I got home.
“I’m sorry you don’t feel well,” Hailey said, sitting down in the chair by the fire. “I sure hope that you aren’t pregnant.”
Hailey laughed, looking over at the fire, but her words rang out deeply in my mind. Slowly, I sat up, thinking about the period I was supposed to have three days ago. I stood up and braced myself, feeling dizzy for a moment. Hailey looked up at me and furrowed her brow, watching me hobble over into my kitchen. I ran my fingers across the cold black marble of the kitchen counters and stopped at the fridge where I kept my calendar hanging. I scanned the month before for my red dot and saw that I had kept my period for a lot less time than normal. I shook my head and counted the days until I was supposed to get the next one.
My finger stopped, lingering over the day that had long passed, and the breath went out of my chest. I had never been late on my period, not even during the most stressful times in my life. On top of that, I took the pill. At the thought of the pill, I raced over to my room and pulled my suitcase out of the closest. I unzipped the front and pulled out the little, round case that should have been empty. Slowly, I opened it and then closed my eyes, realizing that on my trip, I had completely forgotten about taking my pill. Without thought, I just went on that way, too wrapped up in my own thoughts over the last month.
I shook my head and covered my face. My head filled with visions of Cameron and me rolling around in the bed at the resort, making love without a care. He hadn’t worn a condom, and I could distinctly remember the feeling of him when he came inside of me. How could I have been so stupid and so reckless? Even when I wished for a baby with Grant, I never just forgot to take my pill. I had been extra careful with that my whole life, except for when I was in Aspen, on some quest to find my freedom.
“You’re not pregnant,” Hailey said, walking into the room. “I was joking.”
“I don’t know,” I said, feeling panicky.
“Calm down,” she said. “Get dressed. We will go get a test.”
I shook my head, and with shaking hands, I put the pill case down and walked over to my dresser. I pulled out a sweatshirt and jeans and pulled them over my head. Hailey helped to get my sweatshirt situated. I looked up at Hailey as she buttoned my pants for me, and I grabbed her hands, tears filling my eyes.
“How could I have been so stupid?” I began to cry. “Thank you for being such a good friend.”
“Okay, calm down, weepy,” she said. “Don’t let those hormones get the best of you just yet. This could just be pure coincidence. You could have some kind of virus that made you miss your period.”
“I doubt it,” I said, drying my tears.
We walked to the door and out into the snow, climbing into Hailey’s SUV and heading out to the closest grocery store. When I got there, I followed after Hailey who seemed to know exactly where she was going. I had never bought a pregnancy test before, and I felt like everyone was looking at me with disgusted eyes. She pulled one off the shelf and showed it to me, stepping closer to talk.
“This is digital,” she whispered. “It will give you a pregnant or a not pregnant. That way you don’t have to worry about interpreting the little lines.”
“What little lines?”
“Never mind,” she said, hiding her smirk. “Why don’t we get you some nausea medicine and some ginger ale while we’re here, too?”
I nodded and followed her around the store, hoping that I could get this over quickly and find out that it was all in my head. I could feel the bubbles in my stomach again, and I couldn’t tell if it was the sickness or the fact that I was absolutely terrified. We went through the aisles picking out some mild snacks and something for my stomach before jumping back in the car and heading home. As she drove along, I watched the snowflakes falling outside the window, wishing that Cameron was there to go through this with me. I had fallen for a man that I knew from the beginning I had no future with, just to find out a month later that part of him could very well be the most important part of my future.
I had wanted children for a long time, but I wanted them with a partner, not as a single mother. I wasn’t worried about money or work. I was just worried about having a child on my own, raising a child without a father, and my life completely flipping upside down. When we got home, I followed Hailey into the house, and she handed me the pregnancy test.
