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“Just take off the end, and hold it under your stream of pee for at least fifteen seconds,” she said. “Then replace the cap, and set it on the counter. Here is your phone. Set the timer for three minutes, and when it goes off, the test will tell you if you are pregnant or not.”
I shook my head, unable to let words actually escape my mouth. I walked into the bathroom and followed her instructions exactly. I set the test down on the counter and pressed the button on my phone to start the countdown. I pulled myself up onto the sink and sat there, grasping my hands together tightly. Three minutes had never taken so long in my life. I thought about everything in my life during those three minutes. If I could think like that on a normal basis, within ten minutes I’d have an answer to world peace.
The sound of my phone beeping loudly brought me back to the cold bathroom counter. I sat there for a moment, my heart beating out of my chest. I stood up and walked over to the test, staring down at it. Slowly, I picked it up and turned it over, holding it up to my face. On the screen, it said pregnant with a little smiley face. I closed my eyes and pulled the test to my chest, not knowing how to even move. There was a child growing inside of me, and it had Cameron’s genes. I needed to figure out how to get in touch with him. This wasn’t something I wanted to keep from him. He had a right to know that he was going to be a father.
I wasn’t exactly sure I knew how he would react, but I knew that no matter what the outcome, I had a responsibility to tell him. I knew several people growing up who never knew their fathers, and I knew that if he decided not to be part of our lives, it wouldn’t matter to our child whether he was absent by choice or by ignorance. Still, I needed to make sure that he knew about this baby. I had thought not getting his number was a good idea, keeping us from carrying on with something that would never work anyway, but it seemed that I was definitely wrong. Having a way to get ahold of Cameron at that point would have been more than helpful.
I took a deep breath and walked out of the bedroom, my eyes glazed over. Hailey stood there looking at me, and I handed over the test as I walked out of the bedroom and to the windows in my living room. I stared out into the distance, little white flakes showing themselves as the orange street lights shined down in the daylight. I could hear Hailey’s careful footsteps approaching, and I turned around, my arms wrapped around my waist.
“I have to find him,” I said.
Chapter 21
Cameron
My time in New York was thankfully cut short, the slopes being less packed than they had in previous years. The snow wasn’t anywhere conducive to a good ski, and the warming temperatures in the area left icy patches straight down the middle of the slope. I had the unlucky gift of discovering the ice, taking a pretty good spill and spraining my wrist. The resort owner felt terrible, but knowing that a resort in Utah was begging for us to come, I told him to just let us out of our contract, and everything would be fine. He was more than happy to oblige since he was barely making enough to keep us in business anyway. In our contract, there was a clause that said if we didn’t reach a minimum number of clients, the resort would pay us a flat rate. I knew he did not want to pay that flat rate.
So, we got on a plane after seeing to my wrist and headed to Utah, somewhere not that much better than New York, but at least not as packed with dirty streets and angry clients. I still couldn’t get Bea off my mind, though. I thought about her every night and every morning. I hadn’t hit on a girl at all since I left Aspen, and I had turned down several others along the way. Glen could see that there was something heavy weighing on my shoulders, but still, he kept his distance and didn’t ask too many questions. He knew that when
I was ready to talk, I would talk.
Even in my dreams, Bea was on my mind, floating through the snow like an angel. The night before, I had woken up in a sweat after watching her walking away from me. She stopped and turned toward me, her belly large with a baby inside. It was the strangest thing to dream, and I could only assume it was because I had actually entertained the idea of having her in my life for a long period of time.
I took a deep breath and tried to shake the memories floating around in my head. I was in the middle of a class, listening to Glen give the rundown on safety. He had taken the lead on just about everything lately, seeing that I wasn’t quite up to the task. I wanted to be there, to be present, but I had changed, and I still couldn’t completely figure out the extent of it. I felt different, like something inside of me had taken a turn, like I wasn’t the same man I was when I had arrived in Aspen just a few months back. Every day, I looked for a sign, something telling me that Bea was looking for me, but the phone never rang, and no letters ever came. Without my information, it would be pretty hard for her to find me. My business was built on private clients, and I had never had any reason to actually advertise my company. Our name wouldn’t be in any yellow pages, and we didn’t have a website.
I knew that Bea lived somewhere in Colorado, but I had no idea where. The only thing I knew was that she was going to come looking for me in Aspen in a year. I knew no matter what that I would be there waiting, hoping that she hadn’t changed her mind. Hoping that some other man hadn’t come into her life, leaving her only briefly thinking about me on New Year’s Eve while cuddling up with him far away. I didn’t care that I might be all alone, sitting in the courtyard when the fireworks went off if it meant there was even the slightest chance that I would get to see her again.
“Cameron,” Glen whispered. “It’s time to do the movement checks.”
“Right,” I said, taking a deep breath and walking out of the building.
I hopped on the lift next to Glen and rode it up to the top of the bunny slope, trying to get my mind back on track so I could make sure this group of skiers made it down the hill without incident. Glen had been a good enough cohort that he had managed to have a whole slew of skiers go down over the last week without incident, even though I had been on another planet. I would have to eventually thank him for everything he had been doing.
We went through the movements, and I stood at the front, watching each skier go down. When the last one approached, she smiled at me sweetly and pulled down her goggles, pushing off down the slopes. As she skied, her brown hair blew behind her, and thoughts of my private day of skiing with Bea ran through my mind.
“Hey,” Glen said, rousing me from my daydream by slapping me on the shoulder. “You ready? I put everything away while you were helping the skiers down. Come on, I’ll race you to the bottom.”
I smiled and nodded my head, zipping up my jacket and looking down the hill. I realized at that moment that I hadn’t really gone skiing since I was in Aspen, not having the want or gumption to face the hill. I pushed off, already way behind Glen, but not really caring. When I reached the bottom, I slid over to the bench and unhooked my skis, picking them up and carrying them inside. There was no concierge service at this resort like there was in Aspen, so we laid our skis on the rack and headed for the bar, a place I was becoming all too familiar with once again.
The lounge was small, but adequate, with old mahogany décor and the real feeling of a mountain retreat. There were large fireplaces strewn all around the lobbies and one at the back of the bar, crackling loudly. The bartender was an older man, with a kind face that I was sure had seen a lot through the years as a barkeep in a resort. I ordered a whiskey on the rocks and turned to Glen, who I knew was waiting for the right time to speak up.
“I miss Bea,” I said, cutting him off. “I know that is what has been making you wonder. I know you’ve realized that I am not quite myself lately.”
“Yeah,” he said, looking down at his drink. “But I didn’t want to push you. I know that it wasn’t something you were planning.”
“But it happened nonetheless,” I said with a sigh. “We spent Christmas together, and that was what really started it. We had an amazing time being fools, dancing to Christmas music, opening silly presents, and just having an overall hell of a good time. That night, I asked her out for New Year’s Eve. I knew when the invitation came out of my mouth that it was already too late, but at that point, I was so involved, I couldn’t turn myself away. The night was magic, like a damn romance novel, and when we had sex, it was unlike anything I had ever experienced before. To be completely honest with you, I was waking up with the idea of trying to keep something going with her.”
“What happened?”
“She shot me down before I could even say a word,” I said. “She had made up her mind that I wasn’t a man that could change, and to be honest, I wasn’t sure that she was wrong. I completely froze and just let her make the choice, leaving without a word. The last thing I did was kiss her on the forehead and head out of there. That was why when I showed up at the airport, I was less than grounded. That’s why for the last month and a half, I’ve been all over the place.”
“It’s all right, man, everyone is entitled to that time,” Glen said. “Remember when I broke up with Marisol, right after Christmas four years ago? I was a complete wreck.”
“Yeah,” I sighed. “I just never thought it would happen to me. You know me, not the settling down type. Now, I can’t stop thinking about Bea and what it could have been.”
“Why don’t you contact her?”
“I mean, I thought of that, but I have no record of who she is,” I said. “I called in a favor with the bartender, Brian, but the room was booked under some guy’s name. I guess he wasn’t able to take the reservation, so Hailey had paid him for it. Other than Bea from Colorado, I have no other information. I don’t even know if her name is short for Beatrice or something completely different.”
