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I heard it in my head, but the fog wouldn’t clear. Asia had been fussy all night long until we gave her baby Motrin right before bedtime which was usually eleven but with the shots making her fussy, it was more like midnight.
“Shit,” I mumbled. My arm was draped over Disa. She had stayed with me and right now, was wearing my t-shirt which I found to be sexy as hell riding up on her hip baring her underwear clad bottom. She had kicked off the covers.
I rolled to my back and gazed at the clock. The big red numbers read four am. Asia had slept longer than usual. I got up and went to the bedroom where my daughter was in full blown meltdown. Seth and Disa had slept right through it.
I picked her up and snuggled her against my chest. She instantly quieted. “Baby girl, what’s the matter?” I asked.
She was sucking on her fist. Her little sleeper was wet so were her sheets. Somebody was going to have to get up after I changed her so that I could change the sheets. With one arm around her, I unsnapped the sleeper and disposed of it in her laundry basket. Then I kissed her. Her small head rested in the crook of my neck and I was lost in the emotion of loving her. I rocked back and forth for a moment, eyes closed just loving on her.
Then Disa’s hands on my bare skin caused me to jump. She chuckled. “I didn’t mean to scare you. Everything all right?”
Her voice was thick with sleep and even deeper and huskier than usual. I kissed her temple. “Everything is fine. Asia’s sheets are wet.”
“I’ll change the bed, you put some clothes on her and fix her bottle,” Disa suggested.
“You sure you don’t mind?” I asked.
“I don’t.” She kissed Asia’s forehead and went to the closet where I told her she would find the second set of sheets. I went to my bedroom with Asia and a clean sleeper. I changed her and re-dressed her and was shaking a bottle when Disa joined me. She snugged next to me with her head on my shoulder while I fed Asia.
“She’s so beautiful Ben.”
I gazed at Disa, grateful she gave me a second chance because it could have gone the other way, but she was like this. Kind and forgiving. “What?” She asked growing uncomfortable beneath my gaze.
“You’re beautiful,” I told her.
She leaned closer and her lips brushed across mine. Then she laid her head against my shoulder once again before she yawned big. She was tired. We talked about the idea of me seeing an attorney. I tried explaining how I felt about it. I watched her chew on her lip.
“Could she just walk back in and take her?” She finally asked me.
“I don’t know,” I replied.
I looked down on Asia. My tiny child fit in one arm. My heart swelled as I gazed on her and tears flowed down my cheeks. “Ben,” Disa said. “It’s fine.”
“I made so many mistakes,” I told her. “I never want her to know that I didn’t want her.”
She put her arm around me and kissed my shoulder then my cheek. “Ben, that was before you knew her, or she seemed real to you. It is understandable that you felt that way. Asia will never know.”
I nodded. Disa wiped the tears from my cheeks. Her fingertips glided softly across my face. “I find it hard to forgive myself. I saw Jasmine right before she had the baby and I was fascinated by her growing belly knowing my child was inside her.”
Disa laid her head on my shoulder and I
knew I was talking about things that might bring her pain. “I’ll stop talking now,” I said.
“No,” she replied. “I love hearing you talk about how you feel about Asia.”
Our eyes locked on each other. “Disa, it was all about the baby too. I wanted to talk to Jasmine about working together to raise the baby, nothing more. I would have made sure that both she and Jasmine were taken care of, but I knew I couldn’t be with her.”
She nodded. I wasn’t sure that she believed me. I felt this feeling in my gut that twisted my insides. I had hurt her once badly when I walked away. When I slept with Jasmine, I did so again. I wanted her to believe me. To know that these words were my truth.
“Disa, I realized in those early morning hours when I dropped off Jasmine that I had never stopped loving you. That’s why I kept going from woman to woman, searching for you in them.”
Her eyes watered. “Ben, you could have had me. I was yours from the moment, your lips touched mine.”
I adjusted Asia so that I could hold Disa too. She held Asia’s bottle. I kissed her temple and thanked somebody for giving me this second chance. I didn’t deserve it, but I was grateful I had it and I wasn’t going to let her go again.
“Disa, I told you that I love you. Did you hear me?”
She nodded. Her eyes raised to my face. “Keep telling me that, Ben. I want to hear it, but I need some time. I need some trust between us before I say those words to you.”
