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I went to the bathroom before heading back to my bed to seek solace in my words. I gazed at myself in the mirror while I washed my hands. Pushed my glasses up my nose, causing water to drip on my chin. I wiped it away with the sleeve of my shirt.
I stood there gazing at myself. Why would he want me? I was just the nerdy girl. I laid my glasses on the counter and could only see the fuzzy outline of my face. I liked it better not being able to see myself.
Then I turned off the water and went to the bedroom where I cuddled up with my laptop writing for hours until my fingers ached and were stiff.
I sat the laptop on the bed and headed downstairs to the kitchen to look for something to eat. I popped a tv dinner in the microwave and sat on one of the barstools to wait. Five minutes seemed like an eternity.
The silence of the house was deafening. I went to the drawer to get my silverware and accidentally cut myself on a knife. I sucked on my bleeding finger then I looked at it remember a time when the thought of seeing a tiny line of blood meant something else to me.
I pulled up my sleeve and gazed at the tiny, white lines, barely visible now to anyone looking at my arm. I chewed on my lower lip. I would not do this again, I repeated in my head until I had convinced myself it was true.
My heart pounded against my chest. I hadn’t cut myself in over two years until we moved here. I hadn’t wanted to hurt myself in a long time until Dad made the decision to take a new job in a new town. I chewed and chewed on the inside of my cheek hoping that would be enough.
“What are you doing?”
I whirled around, knife in hand and stared at my brother standing in the doorway with Cal. My eyes widened at the sight of them.
“Nothing.”
“No, Abby, what are you doing?” Tyson asked me again. He knew once what I had done to myself.
“Not what you think,” I snapped. I wanted him to stop. I didn’t want to explain to Cal what we were talking about.
I glanced at the microwave watching the red numbers tick down second by second. Too slowly. Tyson advanced on me. Cal didn’t know what to say. He didn’t understand what was going on between me and my brother. I tried to avoid Ty, but he was bigger and stronger. He grabbed my arm and looked at it closely.
“I told you,” I hissed.
“I heard you,” he snapped back at me. “I had to be sure.”
He threw my arm away from me. I was mortified that Cal had witnessed this. I could taste blood in my mouth from chewing on my cheek. I glared at Tyson with tears threatening to fall from my eyes.
I ran past him. Cal called my name, but I ignored him. He knew or could guess my secret. If he didn’t know, he would be asking, and I didn’t want to face him right now.
I took the steps two at a time and ran to my bedroom, slamming the door behind me. I went straight to the window seat where a stuffed teddy I had held onto as a child was sitting waiting on me. I squeezed it tight against my chest and laid my head against the cool pane of glass.
I closed my eyes, shutting out the world. I didn’t want Cal or anyone else to see how fragile I really was. At times, I felt like I was on the edge of falling off a cliff. Scared of life. Scared of myself most of all.
Afraid I would cut myself again.
I didn’t hear him come into my room. He shouldn’t be here. My parents wouldn’t like it but here he was. I felt him before I opened my eyes and saw him.
I felt his fingers lacing through mine. “What do you want?” I asked Cal.
“I wanted to see you.”
“You broke our date. Aiden called me. So sorry about your luck,” I repeated his words that he had said to me. Then I opened my eyes and looked at Cal.
“Abby, my sister was expecting a baby. She lost it today. She and her fiancé are really upset. So is my mom. Mom tried to tell Rhonda she could always have more kids, but she didn’t want to hear that. I drove Mom to the hospital and home. I just got home fifteen minutes ago, called Tyson because you weren’t answering your phone,” Cal explained. “He told me you were pretty upset with me.”
I wrapped my arms around Cal’s neck holding him close. Teddy hit the floor unnoticed for now. His arms went around my waist. I could feel his breath on my neck. His lips touched where his breath had been. Then he pushed me back.
Cal picked up my arm. I tried to pull back. He wouldn’t let me. His finger traced the faint white lines where I had cut myself. The lines that my parents didn’t know about.
“Abby, why?” He asked.
I didn’t say anything. I didn’t know what to say. How to explain why I did what I did. I was so young. Fifth, sixth and part of seventh grade. Tyson stopped me for a while. I was somewhat surprised that I hadn’t started doing it again when he became so distant with me. Only when we moved did I fall back into my old ways. Cutting myself in places that Tyson wouldn’t see.
Cal held tightly to my arm. “You aren’t still doing this are you?”
