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Then she took her old, red truck and headed to the Catholic church in the heart of town. Her church that she hadn’t been to in years. The church where her parents baptized her; where she made her first communion. She had her first confession. Father Paddy loved her confessions. Long and detailed.
St. Agnes was an old church that had existed in town since the late 1800’s. At the top was a tall, steeple where bells rang gospel music every morning. Sophie could even hear them from her house. She found the bells to be so comforting even before her diagnosis.
She gazed at the painted, white, brick building not very large but big enough for the small town of Cooper that didn’t have a huge Catholic population. She breathed trying to gather her courage to go inside because she hadn’t stepped a foot through the doors in so long.
The building was surrounded by gardens and woods. It had always felt peaceful here. Why had she and Josh stopped going?
Sophie sighed and ran up the front steps of St. Agnes. She opened the heavy, wooden doors. Inside was eerily silent. The doors shut behind her with a whoosh when she released them. She glanced behind her, then stepped into the vestibule. She could see into the interior of the main part of the church. On either sid
e of the aisle were rows of wooden pews that every weekend filled with parishioners for worship service.
She dipped her fingers in the holy water and made the sign of the cross then Sophie walked toward the main part of the church. A black tiled floor, beneath her gym shoes made a soft, squeaky sound that seemed to echo off the walls. She rolled her eyes around, gazing at everything, taking it all in. Nothing had changed since she was last here except maybe new paint on the walls.
Taking a seat in the front row, Sophie gazed behind the altar, where a figure of Jesus was hanging off the wooden cross. The walls on either side were window after window of stained glass, depicting the stations of the cross. As a child, sitting here with Kai she couldn’t appreciate the beauty of their meaning. Now, she did.
Laying her purse to the side, then her lightweight jacket she slipped to the bench on her knees and bowed her head. She wasn’t much for formalized prayer. Sophie was more into speaking to God hoping to get some answers. That had always been her way of praying.
Was this a wake-up call for me? Hey, Sophie, life is too good for you. Was your plan to make me aware that I need to be more grateful for what I have? She glanced up at the cross. The body hung loosely. The chin, almost resting against Christ’s chest. He was near death, she thought. What he had suffered for the sake of man. She lowered her gaze to the floor in front of the alter and sighed.
No response from the big man upstairs but what had she expected? She hadn’t been here since Heath’s first communion. He was probably seven. He was twenty-two now, almost twenty-three. She chewed on her lower lip, but she felt more at peace being here. She had forgotten how comforted she had always felt being in church. Sophie stayed on her knees and continued.
God, you and I both know I haven’t been the greatest Catholic or Christian for the matter. I mean, I haven’t gone to church in years. I did try to be a good person though.
She hesitated gazing at the cross, then the floor again.
I prayed to you every week and told you thank you. You and I both know it was not what it should have been. It was rushed and automatic like when I was a kid and had to do penance.
I missed a few words of the Our Father when Paddy told me to do ten of them. I’m sorry for that.
She wiped at her eyes as she continued. I’m sorry for not making you first. I’m sorry for letting other things get in the way. I’m sorry for not making sure Ally got to make her First Communion. If this is my punishment…please let me get better. I want to see Joshua grow up. I want to see Ally get married and have children of her own. I want to grow old with Josh.
Yeah, I’ve got the ten commandments down pat. I’ve treated others as I would like to be treated. Honored my mother and father. I’ve been faithful to Josh and the family we have created. That isn’t what it’s about though is it? In my heart, I wasn’t faithful to you.
I’ll be honest God. You’ve heard me, I know. I’ve worked hard at trying to be better. I’ve worked hard about my cursing because Joshua was born especially because Joshua was born. I also got tired of filling Heath’s swear jar, I gotta be honest Lord. My son is a stickler about that one.
Seriously, I want to turn, over a new leaf because when I held my grandson and thought wow this is the most precious thing in the world. This is why, I had children. I love being a grandma. I don’t want to miss it all.
She sniffed back her tears.
I’m selfish. I like having nice, things even though my truck is a piece of shit. Sorry. I’m really, sorry, God. Turning over a new leaf takes time. That is the one thing that isn’t materialistic about me. I love that old, red Ford of mine. I’ll drive it until it won’t drive at all.
Am I too materialistic? Is that why this happened to me? Do the things in my life mean too much to me? Do I need a wake-up call to see what is really, important in my life?
Sophie remembered her teachings from Sunday school class with Kai. Half the time they didn’t pay attention. They only went because they were forced to go. Half the town of Cooper was either Catholic or Baptist. The majority being Baptist. She often wandered if the Baptists had as many rules as the Catholics did. Did they not eat meat on Fridays during Lent?
I ate meat on Friday during Lent. I won’t do it again, Lord. I don’t lie. If anything, I’m too brutally honest. Just ask Josh or Kai, they’ll tell you. Maybe I’m too harsh with the truth. Maybe I hurt people’s feelings. I don’t mean to. We both know that.
Sophie wrung her hands in front of her, watching her fingers twist together, trying to figure out all the sins she had right this minute while talking to God.
Sex. We both know, I’ve always loved sex. That was my downfall before Josh and I were married and allowed to do it without it being sinful, I mean.
Is it because we were never married in the church? Maybe we should have our marriage blessed by the church? I’ll do whatever I need to do. Help me. Please, God.
Sophie was getting tearful. So many different things were going through her head. She didn’t know which one was the right thing that was the answer to her difficulties at this very moment.
Are you there, God?
“Mind if I join you?”
