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“I don’t feel that I need to say I forgive you Ronan. I just want you to be around to grow old, find a wife and give me more grandchildren. Most importantly, find a way to be happy with yourself.”
I huffed. I wasn’t sure how that would go down. I hadn’t treated women very well in my lifetime. I needed to learn a lot of things. Apparently the hard way.
**
I left Mom and Dad’s house and returned to the farm in the old truck. I parked in the drive and saw my grandfather sitting on the swing. He raised up a little and shook his head when I climbed down from the beat-up old piece of junk. I ran up the steps to the front porch.
“Do you know how many conversations have taken place right here?” He asked me when I joined him on the swing.
I shook my head no.
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“A lot,” he replied. “Some not so pleasant like when your Grams told me she was going to marry Joey. My heart hadn’t healed yet. I knew she was rushing into it so she wouldn’t change her mind and decide she really wanted to be with me.”
I had a hard time hearing his pain in that statement. I wasn’t sure why he brought it up. I leaned back. Our shoulders touching. We were built very similarly. In high school, Ciaran was the quarterback, Fionn was the tight end and I was the wide receiver. Ciaran is six four, I am six two and Fionn six six. All of us big men like our father and grandfather. Our uncle was a leaner version of us.
We were a triplet, triple threat. Teams hated playing our high school because we were so in tune with each other both on and off the football field but they missed this about me.
Ciaran and I were identical except for the two-inch height difference. We were always trying to find our dissimilarities that would give us each our own identities. Fionn, at least looked more like Mom with her silver blonde curls and bigger frame. He wasn’t as often compared to us.
I glanced at my hands then looked at my grandfather’s hands. They were exactly alike down to the breadth and width of our hands. The long fingers. He could have been a wide receiver too. “What did you play in high school?” I asked him.
He chuckled. “I was slow so I was a defensive lineman. Your grandad Joey always said if I had any speed at all I could have been a tight end or a wide receiver. The hands.” He held his up by mine. Then he grasped mine in his and squeezed it tight. “Basketball was more my game because of my height and ability to dunk a ball. Your father was a hell of a tight end. I think that is why he was so adamant that Fionn go to college when everyone was clamoring for him.”
“He was amazing,” I said with all the awe I felt at watching my brother play. There was probably some jealousy too.
“He was.” He released my hand and put his arm around me. “So you want to explain why you did such a dumbass thing as heroin?” My grandfather asked. “It wasn’t enough to do speed, pot and coke?”
“I think you hit the nail on the head. If I had a motorcycle I would ride as fast as I could. When we went to the mountains four years ago, me, Ciaran, Liam, Seth and Jamie…”
“Yeah,” he was waiting for me to explain more.
“I jumped off a cliff into a pool of water,” I told him. “I didn’t know how deep it was for sure. We were guessing. I knew how high the jump was. I was the adrenaline junkie. Twenty-five to thirty feet drop, I bet.”
“Probably higher. Liam dared you,” Gramps suggested.
“How did you know?” I glanced at him waiting for him to respond.
“Because he’s as arrogant as you,” he replied. “You both remind me of Joey.”
“Is that bad?”
“I loved him,” he replied without really responding. That statement gave me a chuckle.
Dusk was setting over the farm. It was so peaceful I could hear the horses in the barn. Cows in the fields. It was a comfort to me. The sounds of the farm, the peace and the tranquility gave me safe feeling that I hadn’t felt in a while. “Why did you agree to come here so easily Ronan? I expected a battle from you. You hated farming. You always felt it beneath you. So did Joey by the way.”
I sighed. “Gramps, I need to figure out how to be the man that Dad taught us to be. Here with Fionn and you seemed a good place to start. I asked for Fionn’s help. You notice when I asked for a ride he gave me the old farm truck.”
Gramps laughed. “So you’re going to work beside your brother day after day when you’re able?”
“I am.”
“You’re going to put your education on the table for a while?”
“I don’t know. Suddenly being a success isn’t all important as it once was. Living is. Learning how to be a good man is. Fionn is a good man. So are you. Spending time with my nieces and Sosie’s kids.”
“You are a good man, Ronan,” he informed me.
