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“Gramps, I’m not. I’ve said harsh things to Fionn my whole life. Hurt him. Used people to get what I wanted. Used women then kicked them out without a thought for their feelings. Cared for nothing but myself and my pleasure. Now it’s time to figure out who Ronan Moore really is. What his morals really encompass.”
“Well if you need help kicking your own ass, I’m here to help you because I really think that was a dumbass thing you did.”
“Thanks Gramps. I knew I could count on you.”
He chuckled at my statement then he began to talk about my grandfather who seemed hell bent on destroying himself as well. Demons of his past were chasing him. Markus, his stepfather beat him and his twin brother Jamie on a regular basis. Jamie always stood up to Markus. He refused to cry which is why he died on the bedroom floor in the house down the street where my uncle and aunt now lived.
I listened intent on what he was saying. My eyes traveled down the lane to the house he was talking about. It was barely visible from our vantage point on the front porch. “I went down there Ronan. Your grandfather and uncle were supposed to meet me in the barn. They never showed. Markus’ car was gone so I slipped inside. His mom was passed out on the couch. She was an alcoholic too,” he explained.
“There is that demon in this family, son. That need to give into addiction. Your grandmother had it too with the anorexia. It was something that she couldn’t control at times. She would talk to someone when she felt herself falling into that black hole again.”
“I know,” I replied. I saw her eat very little over the years of my life. My grandfather pushing her to eat what she did. “Gramps, why did you give her up if you loved her that much?”
He grunted. “I shouldn’t have. We were both crushed when she lost our baby. We were both feeling guilty because Joey was on this path of self-destruction. We were afraid our relationship would make him worse. I loved Betsy, Ronan. As Grams was fond of saying, I couldn’t imagine not having your dad or uncle or your mom in our lives so I guess it turned out the way it was supposed to.
“Grams and I had a lot of good years together after Joey and Betsy passed away. We had our chance then, I guess. I loved her so much Ronan.” It seemed he was getting teary on me. “You get one chance in life son, my father told us both many times. Don’t mess it up son.”
“I’ll try not to,” I replied.
“Did you want to talk more about seeing your grandparents?” He asked me.
I wiped my hand across my face. “Do you believe me?” I asked. “Mom was pretty skeptical.”
He looked at me. “I believe that you saw something Ronan. I don’t know what. If your grandmother could orchestrate an intervention from beyond the grave I’m sure she would so yes, I believe you son.”
I burst out laughing. “She said to tell you that she missed you.”
He seemed thoughtful for a moment. “Anything else?” Gramps asked.
“She was pissed at me.”
“I can’t say that I blame her. How did your dad handle you coming over?” He asked switching topics on me.
I sighed. “I told him that I was the one who stuck the needle in my arm. He had no blame in what happened to me.”
“Good man.” He squeezed my shoulders in a hug only a grandfather can give you. “He still blames himself though.”
My grandfather was right about my dad. I knew that my words had no effect on him. He still blamed himself. He would need time to come to terms with the fact that I did this to me. I had almost killed myself.
Chapter 5
When I said I could help around the house I was not cut any slack. My sister-in-law was cooking dinner. Gracie Lou was crying. Gramps was outside with Fionn so I went to the kitchen to see if I could help Aine with something. I wasn’t much of a cook but I would definitely have preferred she let me watch the pots on the stove than what she offered me.
She looked flustered. Not only was she big with her second child; my brother produced large children but she was also having back aches. I scooped Grace up into my arms when she said, “I just need a minute for the water to boil could you change her?”
I glanced at my niece. I never in my life changed a child but I could do this. “Sure I can.” I would at least try. Aine glanced over her shoulder at me. Her face was filled with uncertainty.
“Are you sure?”
“Sure, I can do this,” I repeated carrying my niece out of the kitchen and up the stairs. Grace stopped crying. Even she looked uncertain. “What Gracie Lou? Don’t you trust me either?”
I entered her bedroom and laid her on the changing table; removing her leggings. I had been here about a week. The first Sunday dinner I had been granted reprieve. Only my immediate family came to the farm so I hadn’t had to face the backlash of my actions yet.
So far, I had been given baby sitter duties only so Aine could get stuff done around the house which suited me just fine. No hard labor for me for at least another week. I could smell the diaper my niece was wearing. “What did you have for lunch kid? You stink.”
Gracie smiled at me. The tears still glistened on her long dark lashes. I reached under the table and found wipes. A fresh diaper, I needed that too. What else? “I think it’s time for potty training kiddo,” I told her.
She shook her blonde curls no. “No?” I was stalling. Bracing myself for the stinky diaper I knew she was currently wearing. “Why not? Gracie Lou is my big girl.”
