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It’s crazy. I’ve only been home thirty minutes at most, but I longed to hold Esmé in my arms and have her blue eyes light up with a smile.
The attachment I felt for Esmé was different than with Justice. I was filling in the gap of Esmé’s mother and giving her the nurturing she needed to thrive. For once in my life, someone looked to me for their wants and needs. I was vital.
I didn’t know if Lucas wanted me to be his full-time nanny until he worked things out with Coco, but I would be there for him in any capacity if he asked. I’d do anything to keep Esmé happy, and him too.
I sat my small suitcase on my bed and stuffed it with clean clothes, upgrading my choices to fit in with Lucas’s neighbors and not look like a teenage vagrant. A few people gave me wide-eyed once-overs as I left Lucas’s building. I wanted to fly below the radar, not ping it.
Just in case I needed something fancy, I added a couple of dresses, my favorite heels, and two pairs of Lululemon pants. Everyone in the city wore them, from college students to gazillionaires. They were the greatest clothing equalizer, though I didn’t have the Gucci sneakers to set me apart. My fifty-dollar Chuck Taylors would have to do. I did decide to ditch the Crocs. They made the worst flip-flop sound against the marble floor in Lucas’s lobby.
I zipped up my suitcase and placed it on the floor. I started to head to the apartment door when Tessa walked in, almost barreling into me.
“Oh my God!” she cried out. “I was so worried about you. Is everything okay?”
“Tessa, you’d better sit down,” I said, echoing what she said the day she asked me to nanny for Lucas. “I have something to tell you and I’m not sure you’re going to be happy with me.”
“Oh no. Tell me you haven’t slept with Lucas.” Her brows were squeezed together in worry as she fell onto our couch. “I had a feeling this was a bad idea.”
“No, there’s been no sex, not even kissing.” Yet. Though, a chill ran over me at the thought of his lips whispering over mine.
“Okay.” She exhaled a long sigh of relief. “What’s up?”
“You know Herb.”
“Of course.”
“Tall, dirty blond with a crazy jawline. Looks like sin in a suit. Well, he also had nuclear blue eyes—the kind you’d never forget—and I met him in the coffee shop off Iron Gate’s lobby.” My words spun around behind her eyes until a light went off. She understood my dilemma.
“Holy crap,” she whistled. “Herb is Lucas.”
“Bingo. Or, more like, do not pass go.” A nervous laugh escaped me.
“And the child is his?”
“She is. One quick look at her blue eyes told me so before the DNA test.”
Tessa glanced at my suitcase standing a few feet away. “You’re going back to stay longer?”
“They both need me.”
“Do you need him too?” Her tone was stern, almost accusing. She knew me so well.
My eyes darted to the floor. I was never good at hiding my feelings from her…or anyone, for that matter. I was afraid she’d see the stars in my eyes when I spoke about him. There would be no way to convince her it was different with him because I wasn’t sure it was. Deep inside, Lucas was a sad, lonely boy who needed to be saved from something. I just didn’t know what or who.
“I can’t just abandon them.” I finally met her gaze. At least this time I was speaking the truth. I felt like a part of them. The three of us together.
Tessa shook her head. “Maggie, you can’t save Lucas. You know this, right? He got himself into this mess with his own selfish choices.”
“But the baby? She’s innocent. I’ll just go back to help him with her.” My words sounded like a lie, even to my own ears.
“I can’t bear to see you hurt.” Tessa took my hands in hers. “He will always have something to protect him. Money. Power. You’re orbiting in an unknown universe. I can’t tell you what to do. Tell me what you’re feeling?”
I breathed a deep sigh. How would I even begin to answer such a loaded question?
“I’ll tell you the truth. I feel everything I should for the baby and everything I shouldn’t for him,” I confessed, hoping saying it would ease my mind.
Then I met Tessa’s sad gaze and realized how painful the consequences of my feelings might become. I’d give him my heart, my body, anything he asked for, just to be with him. He made me weak, but if he felt the same way, I’d soar like never before.
“You’re playing Russian roulette—the stakes are high, and the fall will be too.”
“I know.” I jumped, startled as my phone buzzed with an incoming call.
