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“Her family aren’t exactly paupers, Father. She doesn’t need my money.”
“Hmph. Well, perhaps I spoke too hastily.”
That was as close as Caspar would get to an apology. Caspar must have realised that too because he didn’t pursue the argument. Instead he said “I thought you’d be happy to be getting a grandchild at last, even if it’s a little unexpected.”
His father’s expression softened a little. “I am happy. I’m just worried you’re rushing into marriage for the wrong reasons. I don’t want to see you get hurt, or for you to hurt that girl.”
“I won’t.” Caspar set his jaw and held their father’s gaze.
An understanding passed between them.
The older man nodded, and the tension lifted. “So, I’m going to be a grandfather. It’s about time, I suppose.” He shot a look at Alec, who tried to keep his expression neutral. “I wasn’t sure it would ever happen.” He stood, in the slow, careful way of a seventy-year-old man with arthritic knees.
Sometimes Alec forgot how old his father was now. Each time he saw him, he was smaller than Alec remembered. He never matched the formidable image in Alec’s head.
“Excuse me. I’m going to the lavatory,” his father said. “Then I’m going to find your mother and rescue the lovely Serena from her clutches before she bores her to death with baby photos.”
Left alone with Alec, Caspar breathed a long sigh of relief. “Well, that wasn’t too bad.”
Alec didn’t reply immediately. The ticking of the cuckoo clock on the mantelpiece was an insistent beat, reminding him of time passing.
It felt like yesterday that he’d been an eighteen-year-old boy, ashamed and afraid. But he wasn’t that boy anymore. It seemed to be the day for revelations, so maybe now was the time for him to finally speak the truth. His heart sped up, racing now, out of step with the tick-tick-tick of the clock.
“So, would now be a really good time or a really bad time to drop a bombshell of my own, do you think?” He tried to keep his voice light, but the words came out sharp-edged and a little panicky.
Caspar frowned. “What?”
“I’m gay.” Alec threw the words out like stones launched at a window, reckless and risky, and waited to see their effect.
Caspar’s expression softened. “I know.”
“Wait. What do you mean, you know?” Alec felt slightly hysterical, torn between the urge to laugh or cry, or maybe run away and pretend he’d never started this conversation.
“Well… I never knew for sure, of course. But I guessed.”
“When?”
Caspar shrugged and ran a hand through his tousled brown hair. “I never bought your explanation of what happened at school. I mean, I know there were plenty of straight guys who fooled around there, but you never seemed very interested in girls. Apart from Belinda, of course. And I heard on the grapevine that your relationship with her was a lot more casual than you led Mum and Dad to believe.”
“And you don’t care?”
“Why should I care, Alec? How does your orientation affect me? I always hoped you’d come out eventually because I figured you might be happier if you did. I care about that. I’d like to see you settle down.”
Alec snorted; relief and adrenaline flooded through him. “You sound like Mum.”
Casper chuckled. “I do, don’t I? I guess I just always felt that you were lonely. Apart from Belinda, you keep yourself to yourself. You’re locked up so tight I always felt like nothing could reach you.” His face turned serious and he studied Alec, making him flush under his scrutiny. “So why now? Has someone finally got to you? Is there a person behind the sudden desire to come out after all these years?”
Alec sighed. “Yes… no. I don’t know. Sort of, I suppose. There’s this guy…. But I work with him and it’s complicated. He’s out, and he didn’t want a secret relationship, so it’s over almost before it got started. I’m not sure whether it’s too late to fix things with him.”
Would Ed take him back if he could untangle the lies he’d lived with all these years? Telling his family was only half of it. If he wanted to have a relationship with Ed, he would need to come out at work too. The only way to move forward was one step at a time. Ultimately, Alec wanted to be free of the deception, free of the fear that had kept him prisoner for so long. Even if it was too late for him and Ed, Alec had had enough of hiding. He wanted to come out for himself.
“If he loves you, surely he’ll want to give it another go,” Caspar said. “If you come out.”
“Maybe. I don’t know. But I need to do it for me, anyway. I’m tired of living like this.”
“So, are you going to tell Mum and Dad today? It seems like the day for life-changing announcements.”
