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“This isn’t just my own personal baggage. That’s what you were struggling with when you were deciding whether to keep Ashley in your life. And you know that you and I handle that differently.”
“Don’t give me that. Don’t tell me it affected me more than it affected you.”
“Maybe it did. We’re two different people.”
I hate the words as soon as they leave my mouth. They’re not untrue. Dale and I are two very different people. But I’m not unaffected by my past. I just don’t allow myself to think about it.
“Don, I’m done. I’m done feeling guilty that I couldn’t save you.”
“That’s not what I’m getting at.”
“But it is. You think this affected me more than it affected you. In some ways, I’m sure it did. But you were younger. You were seven years old. Don’t tell me our past hasn’t shaped you into the man you are today.”
“It hasn’t.”
“Maybe I didn’t say that right. Of course it hasn’t. But everything that we’ve been through has had an effect on who we became. Our lives here on the ranch with Mom and Dad. Our successes and our failures. And…those two months.”
“You think that’s the reason I want to cut things off with Callie?”
“I think you need to consider that it might have more to do with it than you think it does.”
This is my brother. If anyone else said these words to me, even Mom or Dad, I would probably say they’re barking up the wrong tree. But Dale… Dale, who went through it with me. Who in some ways suffered so much more than I did.
Could he be right?
Sure, I don’t let this affect my life. At least I don’t think I do. But I have been thinking about it more often than I normally do. That feeling… That horrendous feeling of being caged in… Of having no control over anything.
Sure, I was a child. A mere seven-year-old. But children should not be caged.
And the feelings I’ve had lately as things have piled on my shoulders more and more and more—Dad’s shooting, my near breach of my own ethics, the documents Brendan uncovered in his place, the safe-deposit box someone opened for me…
All of it… All of it is making me feel very caged in.
“Don? You still there?”
“Yeah.”
“Don’t give her up,” Dale says. “Needing someone in your life doesn’t make you weaker. It makes you stronger.”
I consider his words. I have felt less strong since Callie came into my life, but it’s not because of her. It’s because of all the other shit that came along for the ride.
“I’m not worried about my own weakness or strength. I’m worried about her.”
“Believe me, brother. I understand that. But what I’m telling you is that you’ll hurt her more by cutting her loose.”
“I’m not sure that’s true. Callie is going through some of her own stuff right now that I don’t even know about. Maybe dealing with me and my baggage is just too much for her.”
“What’s she going through?”
“I don’t know. She was going to tell me when we were in Denver, but I told her not to. I just wanted to hold her. I wanted to relish the time we had left because I knew the end was coming.”
“Don’t make that mistake. Please. I’m your brother, and I love you. And I think Callie Pike is the best thing that has ever happened to you, Donny.”
Again, I consider his words.
And I wonder…
Is it even my decision to make? Maybe I should give Callie the choice. She may choose to walk, and that’s her prerogative.
