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Chapter 20
Meadow
Life is beginning to get out of control. It’s not a feeling I like either. After the mess with my marriage to Clark, I did my best to keep my life orderly and on a schedule. It’s how I’ve coped with my mother’s illness, too. There’s nothing about Blue Moon Lucas that allows me to put him in a box and organize him. Which is why I find myself standing in front of a mirror worrying about my unruly hair and wearing a new button-up boho top. It has dark red over the shoulder and along the button line. The shirt itself is white, but the deep color of the red slowly fades into roses. It also has these long, loose sleeves that are frilly and give it a romantic feel. It’s soft and I loved it on sight. Sparing the thirty bucks it cost wasn’t smart, but I wanted to have something nice tonight since Blue was coming over. Now that I’m looking in the mirror, however, I’m kind of wishing I hadn’t bought it. Can he tell that I wore something pretty for him? Maybe it would have been better to be in an old t-shirt or something.
When Blue and I picked Adam up, he didn’t say much. He bought my story that Blue was helping me get some stuff for the shelter since he has a truck. Did it make me feel like an asshole for lying to my son? Well, yeah. Still, I wasn’t ready for the conversation that might come if he asked questions. I’m still not ready, but I know with Blue showing up tonight with food, it’s coming. I know that. Adam will be full of questions. I can’t blame him because I am, too.
I walk away from the mirror. I look okay. I’m never going to be a raving beauty. I never was. About the only time I’ve ever felt truly beautiful was when I was with Blue. He had a way of making me feel like that.
Until he didn’t.
I put those thoughts behind me. They’re in the past. Blue asked for a clean slate—to leave the past behind. I’m still not sure that can be accomplished. I’m probably a fool for trying. The thing is, when I asked myself what I was going to do with Blue’s offer, there were only two things that spoke loud and clear to me. One, I am having a baby with him and two, I’ve always loved him—even when I shouldn’t have.
I move my hand down to my still flat stomach. My doctor’s appointment is mostly to confirm everything and to ensure everything is okay. Still, I know in my heart I am pregnant. I also believe with everything in me that Blue will make a great father. No matter what, I want him to be a part in our child’s life. I definitely want him to spend time with Blue’s family and be accepted into them. All that means interacting and being around Blue. It also means we can’t be at each other’s throats the entire time. Still, I know it’s madness to let my guard down with him.
I just can’t stop myself.
I love him.
That’s what it all boils down to. I wish I could say love was like they make it look in the movies. It’s not. It’s definitely not hearts and flowers. It’s being with someone, sharing things with them, giving them pieces of yourself that you never gave anyone else. It’s a deep emotion that settles deep into your bones in a way that will never completely leave. It stays even when there is anger, hate, fear, sadness and a million other things that takes over. That’s real love. That’s what I have for Blue. So, as insane as it all sounds, I want to give it a chance because I’ve always loved him—even when he hated me. Despite what he’s saying, I’m pretty sure he has hated me all these years. Hell, maybe I’ve hated myself. Still, it could be like Ida Sue says about being a thin line between love and hate.
“Don’t you look gorgeous!” Mom exclaims as I walk into her room. It’s only six, and she’s already retired to her little corner of the world. She’s watching television and lying propped up on the bed.
I’ve done everything I can to make her bedroom a sanctuary. The great thing about this old house is the two masters—although Mom’s is larger. I’ve put her a lift chair in the corner with a large television, and the recliner has a device on a small table she uses to listen to her audiobooks. She used to have this huge collection of paperbacks, but her eyes got too bad to read, so I introduced her to a new way of reading, and she loves it. I invested in a wedge pillow, and it helps to keep her upper body elevated. That way she breathes easier. It’s not much, but when I see her enjoying her room it makes me happy.
