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“What’s going on with you, Brandt?” She stepped closer and touched my elbow. “You’ve been off all night. All week, really.” Her fingers were light and warm. Compassionate. And she smelled good. It’d be so easy to dip my face and ease closer, bury my nose in her neck and let her comfort
me.
I shied back, swallowing hard.
“I’m fine,” I murmured, backing away toward the couch. “I just...it’s been a shitty week for me, is all.” I slumped down onto the cushions and rested my elbows on my knees.
This was bad. If I couldn’t even summon the willpower to seduce Julianna, then how the hell was I going to prove to myself I could stay away from Sarah?
“Fuck,” I muttered, scrubbing my face. “I don’t know what to do.”
“Aww, baby.” Juli sat next to me. “You are so far from fine it’s ridiculous.” She smoothed her fingers over my hair. It felt nice and yet wrong. I closed my eyes, fighting the urge not to recoil. “Now, talk to me.”
I shook my head, declining her offer. But then I blurted out, “I can’t have sex with you.”
Worst case of unexpected word vomit ever.
I hadn’t meant to say that, hadn’t realized I was going to until it was already out there. I hadn’t even meant it as a brush-off. It’d been more of an admittance of failure, because physically, I couldn’t bring myself to have sex with Juli, with anyone really but Sarah, and I definitely wasn’t going to have sex with her.
Shocked by my own mouth, I glanced at her, hoping I hadn’t offended her too badly.
But she only laughed. “Trust me, I wasn’t offering.” When I just watched her, she wrinkled her nose and shrugged. “What? Would you sleep with someone when it’s obvious he’s in love with another woman? Because I know you’re hung up on your friend Sarah, and don’t you be trying to convince me otherwise.”
“I...” Deflated, I gripped my head in my hands and squeezed my eyes shut. I couldn’t lie and tell her she was wrong. I was tired of lying, trying to convince myself I could settle for just being Sarah’s friend.
“So, what am I supposed to do,” I muttered, “when I can’t have her?”
Groaning out a sigh, Julianna looked at me as if I were hopeless. Which I was.
She set her hand on my back. “Have you actually tried telling her how you feel about her?”
The laugh I gave her was hard and almost ended in tears. “Oh, we’ve been there, trust me. Not only have I told her, but we’ve even had sex together...which ended in her having a stroke and pretty much paralyzing her entire left side.”
Hell, I couldn’t believe I’d just told her all that. But honestly, it felt good to get this shit out of my system. Everyone else I knew was already friends with Sarah, so they knew all the details. It was nice to talk to someone a little more impartial about what was going on. And I’d gotten to know Julianna enough I felt I could confide in her.
She gasped and covered her mouth with both hands. “God, Brandt. I am so sorry.”
“Yeah.” I nodded, numb to all the sympathy. “So you can imagine why I’d die before I ever touched her again.” My shoulders wilted in around me. “I almost fucking killed her.”
“Are you sure—”
“Yes!” I yelled. “I’m sure. The seizure started before we even put our clothes back on. God.” Hugging myself, I rocked back and forth. The only thing I could see when I closed my eyes was her writhing out of control. “We’re going to have to go back to just being friends,” I chanted to myself, “because I can’t do this. I can’t put her life at risk this way. I have to keep my hands off her.”
Julianna was silent as she rubbed my back.
I focused on breathing through my nose so I didn’t lose my cool more than I already was. I’d been on the verge of breaking down all week. I could hold it together. I had to hold it together.
“I even thought I could convince myself I could...you know, move past her if I...if I...with other women. But—”
“You can’t,” Juli stated baldly, shattering all the hope I’d ever fostered of her saving me from my Sarah dilemma. “I can see it on your face; you don’t want to move past her.”
“Okay, fine,” I growled, gripping my hair. “I don’t. But that solves nothing. What the fuck am I supposed to do?”
With a sad smile, Juli asked, “How much do you love her?”
My laugh was dry and unamused as I admitted, “She’s my entire life.”
She nodded as if she suspected as much. “Then, honey, you already know what you have to do.”
