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Shit.
I did.
I couldn’t stop loving Sarah. Once we’d become a couple, that was it. I was in that relationship for life. And I’d just proven I couldn’t bring myself to go to other women for sex. I couldn’t stomach being with anyone but Sarah.
Which only left...
“Oh, Jesus,” I breathed, feeling doomed. “I’m never having sex again in my life, am I?”
Panic consumed me as I met Juli’s sympathetic gaze. “If you think she’s worth it,” she murmured softly.
“Fuck, yes, she’s worth it, but...damn.”
My poor cock. I whimpered and set my hands against my lap, cradling the part of my body that was about to become sorely neglected for the rest of my doomed life. I really hoped the theory that jacking off too many times could make a man go blind was a myth, because I was about to test it out.
But like I’d said, it was worth it.
Sarah was worth a lifetime of abstinence.
Blowing out a breath with new resolve, I glanced at Juli and said, “I can do this.”
And I would.
For Sarah.
SARAH
Life post-stroke was...different.
The sensation of touch had declined significantly in my left hand. I could no longer grip with it, and my left leg was pretty much worthless. It felt funny to pee now, too, because my left butt cheek went numb a lot.
Swallowing had also become a little more difficult. The first time I spit up my food after a meal, I hid it from Reese and Mason so they wouldn’t know. Everyone hated how much I’d suffered, so I kept as much as I could under tabs so as not to distress them. I just...chewed a lot more before swallowing, and I had more shakes and smoothies.
I got more headaches and grew tired easier, but at least it hadn’t impaired my thinking. The one thing I’d always been most grateful for was the continued ability to reason.
I considered myself lucky.
But all the physical side effects seemed minor compared to how it changed my relationship with...everyone. Mason used to be the only family member who worried overmuch about me, and Reese would usually talk him down and relax him into letting me do something that might be even remotely dangerous. But now...Reese was just as bad as he was. They scolded the twins any time Issa or Gray tried to climb into my lap.
Brandt’s behavior was the worst, though. About a day after I came home from the hospital, he came to visit me, apologizing and telling me he was sorry for pushing me away. He told me he couldn’t just be my friend any longer and wanted to remain my boyfriend.
It had sounded good at first, too good to be true. He’d finally come around, and life could return to normal, right?
Not even close.
I swear he touched me less now than he had when he was fifteen.
He continued to tell me he loved me, and he kept me company and catered to me, giving me everything he thought I needed. But I knew...there would never be anything sexual between us again. I’d even tried giving him a hand job. The idiot had only squeezed my fingers before kissing them and telling me not to worry about it.
But how could I not worry? He was a twenty-two-year-old, virile man who’d been sexually active since he was sixteen years old. He couldn’t just go cold turkey until he died. I didn’t want that for him. How could he want it for himself?
I could tell he was already feeling the tension too. The man needed sex...eventually. He wasn’t a monk, and he couldn’t kiss around and hug on me much longer without needing a release somehow. If he kept denying himself, he was only going to grow to resent me, and maybe even cheat on me.
Okay, I doubted he’d get to that point. He’d leave before—
But I didn’t want him to leave me, either. I
wanted a happy, well-adjusted boyfriend. He’d stayed with me through my condition, through my stroke, through all my self-doubts and fears. I wanted to give something back.
