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Allera gasped and covered her mouth with a hand as her eyes filled with tears. “They did say he died from a chest wound,” she choked out. “I felt it when it happened. Pain exploded through my own chest. And then… Then it was gone. He was gone. By the time they brought him to me, it was too late. I couldn’t bring him back. I’d been too far away when it happened. Too much time had passed.”
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I’ll stop now. I didn’t mean to—”
“No! Please don’t stop. I have to know.”
I took a shuddered breath before nodding my agreement. “I knelt by him, repeating his name, first in horror, then sorrow, and finally in disbelief. Then I told him he was a stupid fool, and I demanded to know why he’d done it. I was supposed to be the one to make that scouting trip. Not him. Why had he stolen my post? The dying man merely coughed up blood before grinning up at me. ‘Let my bothersome little brother go on a suicide mission?’ he said. ‘I think not. I’m the hero of this story, mate.’”
Allera laughed and then sobbed before more tears rushed to her eyes. “That sounds like him. That sounds exactly like Jazon.”
I nodded and closed my eyes. “So I asked him what I was supposed to tell his wife, and he just smiled. ‘She already knows everything I want her to know,’ he answered.”
“I did,” Allera whispered. “I did know.”
“But I couldn’t accept that.” Shaking my head, I pressed my hands to my chest, feeling the pain I always felt during the dream. “I grabbed his shoulders and shook him. I demanded him to keep living. I told him he couldn’t die, saving my life. And I began to cry.” Rubbing my palm over my heart because it was beginning to ache as it always did in the dream, I shook my head, dazed to realize these were Urban’s feelings and memories I’d always experienced. “I wake up crying from that dream, every time.”
And it had been Urban I had cried for. Not the dead soldier. I’d hurt because Urban had hurt.
Not sure how to deal with the fact that I’d been sharing somet
hing so intimate and private, like his grief, with him for the past few weeks, I forced my attention to Allera, hoping to stanch the sudden lump in my chest.
She wiped her eyes. “Why didn’t he ever tell me?” she whispered. “Why didn’t Urban just tell me he was with Jazon at the end?”
I shook my head because I couldn’t answer honestly, but I could make a guess. “Along with how much it hurts to watch him die, I remember feeling guilty in the dreams. Maybe…” I swallowed and shook my head. “Maybe your brother blames himself. It’s possible he’s worried that you would blame him too if you knew Jazon died protecting him.”
That was what the king—his father—had done in Urban’s dreams as soon as he’d learned what happened to Jazon. The High Cliff ruler had blamed me—er, Urban—and told us all we ever brought to people was death and destruction. Then he’d kicked us out of his army.
“But I… I don’t know for certain,” I said. “I can only guess. They’re only dreams. Maybe your brother wasn’t there after all.”
“No, your guess sounds like Urban. Unable to stomach the idea that I might blame him for something. It’s probably the very reason why Father kicked him out of the army, and he gave up his life in High Cliff to come here with me.” With a tsking sound, she shook her head. “Idiot.”
My stomach knotted. “But you don’t, right? Blame him, that is? For your husband’s death?”
Allera lifted her eyebrows, suddenly intent on me. “And if I did?” she said slowly. “What’s it to you?”
I pulled back, realizing she was right. I should have no opinion over what she thought of her brother. But I couldn’t forget the sorrow and pain I felt in those dreams. His pain. He had suffered. He didn’t need to suffer anymore.
“I just… I’m only saying he had no idea your husband was going to go off and take his place. I have the feeling he wouldn’t have let Jazon go if he’d known his plans, and besides, it’s all just a dream anyway. It might not have really—”
“Well, look at you,” Allera murmured with a knowing grin. “Coming to Urban’s defense as if you actually care.”
“I don’t,” I shot back quickly. So quickly it was obvious I lied. When my cheeks heated, Allera gave a low chuckle as if she understood.
“Don’t worry,” she leaned closer to whisper and wink at me, “I won’t tell.” Then, seeming quite smug with herself, she sat back and lifted her voice to normal. “What else does my dear brother dream of? Anything good and embarrassing I can tease him about mercilessly?”
My body instantly flushed, remembering other dreams I’d been having.
Allera lifted her eyebrows, intrigued. “Well, well. This conversation just became infinitely more interesting.”
“Infinitely more embarrassing,” I muttered, only to set my hand against my stomach and say, “On the other hand, it’s actually relieving to learn they’re his dreams I’m having. I thought I was turning into a…” Not really wanting to confess to a man’s sister that I’d been having sex dreams about her brother, I discreetly cleared my throat.
“Or maybe they were your dreams,” Allera argued with a cheeky smirk.
I rolled my eyes. “Clearly, they were his.”
“And you’re sure? You saw them from his point of view, then, did you?”
“No, I…” When my voice fell quiet, Allera leaned forward.
