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“It’s okay,” I told her softly, feeling bad for her.
She glanced at me pitifully and hugged herself. “It was so surreal and strange; it didn’t even seem real. I thought every move I made was somehow going to hurt him; he had to assure me half a dozen times that he was fine. I think that’s why I completely forgot about birth control. My mind was just whirling with all these other thoughts.”
I nodded, letting her know I understood.
“When he finished,” she said. “He opened his eyes again and gave me an expectant look before telling me he was done. I guessed that meant he wanted me to get off him, so I apologized and—”
“You apologized?”
Lucy blushed. “I don’t know! Yes. He seemed annoyed that I was still there.”
“Jesus.” I blew out a breath and ran a hand through my hair. “And you didn’t get to finish at all?”
“Good God, no.” Lucy looked at me as if I was insane for even suggesting the idea. “That wasn’t going to happen no matter what. I was just grateful he was ready for it to stop.”
I winced. I’d been hoping she hadn’t had a better time with Duke than she’d had with me, but I hadn’t wanted her to be this miserable either.
“So I got off the bed, immediately put my shirt back on, and I asked where his bathroom was so I could clean up. But he only pointed toward his nightstand and told me I could borrow some tissues.”
Incredulous, I blinked at her in amazement. “He didn’t even let you use the bathroom?”
She shrugged. “Maybe he thought I wouldn’t come back or I’d wake you up. I don’t know. But it was truly strange to clean up and pull my underwear back on afterward in front of him.”
I huffed out a disgusted breath, feeling protective of her and irritated with Duke.
“He asked if I would stay and sleep next to him the whole night.” Lucy shrugged helplessly. “I felt so bad about how awful the sex had been, I thought I owed him at least that.”
Shaking my head, I said, “I don’t know why you thought you owed him anything at all.”
“I don’t know,” she mumbled miserably. “He just seemed so upset; I wanted to help.”
“And you have the irresistible need to heal the world’s pain. I know.” Reaching out, I covered her hand.
She squeezed my fingers and looked at me, seeking forgiveness. “Are you mad at me?”
I sniffed out a soft sound that was more snort than laugh. “Because you followed your natural, bleeding-heart inclinations and helped my brother in a way you totally didn’t have to? No. I just wish you’d realized it wasn’t necessary.”
She swallowed noisily and then confessed, “That’s when he stripped all his clothes off. It surprised me so much when he started, that I remember asking him what he was doing. But all he mumbled was that he hated sleeping in clothes.”
“Wait.” I held up a hand. “He kept his clothes on for sex but took them off to sleep?”
“Yep,” Lucy muttered, lifting her eyebrows with meaning. “Once he was naked, he curled up against me and rested his head on my boob like it was a pillow. And I swear, that is honestly the most intimate we got.”
I nodded, letting her know I wasn’t jealous. She’d been right about one thing; telling me had sucked the envy straight from my lungs. Now, I was just…
I don’t know what I was.
“He surprised the snot out of me by apologizing,” she announced suddenly as if it were an afterthought. “Right before he fell asleep, he said he never should’ve asked me to go home with him.”
I lifted my eyebrows in interest. “Really?”
Lucy nodded. “I asked if he wanted me to leave, hoping he’d say yes, but he hugged me tighter and said no. Then he confessed that he’d known I wouldn’t be able to turn him down when he’d asked me to sleep with him.” She smiled softly. “He called me a softy and then made me swear that the next time I was with a guy it would be someone I wanted to be with more than I wanted my next breath.”
I hissed out a lungful and shook my head, remembering the last promise Duke had made me keep, to continue on without him.
“So did you?” I asked softly.
When Lucy looked up in question, not understanding, I said, “Did you actually want to be with me last night? More than your next breath? Or did you just feel bad for me because I was struggling with my grief?”
