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Yet even if I threw myself at her feet, pleaded my forgiveness in all the right ways, and she actually exonerated me for my actions, this would always be there between us. I had ruined any sort of agreeable relationship we ever could’ve had. No more quiet, peaceful suppers together before I napped with Ava. No more teasing texts. No more friendship.
Sighing, I turned off the television and scrubbed my hands over my face. Then I glanced toward the hall as Lucy’s words flowed through my head.
You’re avoiding yourself, Vaughn.
Despite everything else that had gone down between us, she’d made a valid point. Duke had been gone for months, and I still hadn’t cleaned out his room. I needed to stop being stagnant.
I needed to live, just as he’d made me promise I would.
“Okay, fine.” I slapped my hands to my knees and pushed up from the couch. “I’ll do it. I’ll clean your fucking room.” And I took a step in the direction of the hall, only to change my course and bow my head, clasping it between my hands as I walked in a small, tight circle, going nowhere.
Dammit. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t accept that he was truly gone.
The itch to check in on Ava mounted.
I’m beginning to think you’re not even doing this for Ava.
Lucy had been right about that too. My niece had become my scapegoat so I didn’t have to think about Duke or myself or any fucking thing in this oppressive house. If I was over there, visiting her, or out buying something for her, or locked in my room researching child care, I didn’t have to focus on anything else. I could continue to hide from the fact that I had nothing else.
A knock on the door had me spinning around and blinking at the entrance with doom. A sinking feeling filled me, and I just knew it was Lucy.
Holding my breath, I inched toward the portal and rose on my toes to look out the window. When I saw a dark-haired woman holding a baby in her arms, her back to me as she glanced over at my car sitting in the drive, I ducked out of sight and wiped a hand over my face.
Yep. It was Lucy.
Fuck. How could I face her right now? I was still so ashamed of what I’d done. And so damn embarrassed.
I couldn’t answer the door or look her in the eyes, knowing she was now fully aware of how much I wanted her.
But she had to know I was home; she was looking directly at my car, and I had lights on in here. God, if I didn’t open the door, I’d be a coward. Lucy was out there right now, being the bigger person and coming here to address…
Well…
I’m not sure why she was here.
Maybe to demand that apology she so desperately deserved. Or maybe she wanted an explanation of why. The main point was that she was here. That had to mean she didn’t want to wipe her hands free of me completely, right?
Hope swelled in my chest, and I reached for the door handle just as she knocked again. My hand paused. Cold sweat trailed down the back of my neck, and I fisted my fingers into a ball before dropping my arm.
A coward I was, then.
Lucy knocked a couple more times, and I ended up closing my eyes and pressing my forehead against the wall, dying a little more inside each time she knocked. But I absolutely could not face my own guilt after what I’d done.
Eventually, she left, taking Ava Grace with her.
I sank to the floor and sat there, back against the wall, hating myself for being so weak and pathetic.
A while later, my phone rang. No one called me anymore, so I was pretty much already sure it was her. I crawled across the floor to where it sat on the coffee table in front of my couch, anyway. When I saw her name on the screen, I gritted my teeth and closed my eyes before fake-pounding my forehead against the heel of my hand.
I still couldn’t answer her, and when the ringing stopped, I looked for a voicemail, but none came.
She tried calling me the next day and the day after that, and I still hadn’t thought up an apology good enough to get us out of this mess that I’d gotten us in. So I avoided all of them.
Three days later, she texted me.
A couple of times.
Unable to help myself, I read them all.
