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"That's not the way I read it," I said. "You guys thought you'd be cowboys and you got your faces shoved into the sheepdip. What was it going to be, a day or so in the tank, or maybe some serious patty-cake in the backseat on the way to the jail?"
They didn't reply. Their faces were hot and angry and pained by the rocks that cut their knees.
"Put the cuffs through the bumper and lock your wrists," I said. "You didn't answer me, which makes me wonder if I was going to make the jail. Are you guys into it that big?"
"Kiss my ass," the younger deputy said.
"Tell me, are y'all that dumb? You think you can pop a New Orleans cop and walk out of it?"
"We'll see who walks out of what," the older deputy said. He had to twist sideways on his knees and squint up into the sun to talk to me.
"The sheriff is letting you clean up his shit for him, isn't he?" I said. "It looks like lousy work to me. You ought to get him to spread the juice around a little more. You guys probably rip off a little change now and then, maybe get some free action in the local hot-pillow joint, but he drives a Cadillac and raises Arabians."
"For a homicide cop you're a stupid bastard," the older deputy said. "What makes you think you're so important you got to be popped? You're just a hair in somebody's nose."
"I'm afraid you boys have limited careers ahead of you."
"Start figuring how you're going to get out of here," the younger deputy said.
"You mean my fiat tire? That is a problem," I said thoughtfully. "What if I just drive your car down the road a little ways with you guys still cuffed to it?"
For the first time their faces showed the beginnings of genuine fear.
"Relax. We have our standards in New Orleans. We don't pick on the mentally handicapped," I said.
In the distance I saw a maroon car approaching. The two deputies heard it and looked at each other expectantly.
"Sorry, no cavalry today," I said, then squatted down at eye level with them. "Now look, you pair of clowns, I don't know how far you want to take this, but if you really want to get it on, you remember this: I've got more juice than you do, more people, more brains, more everything that counts. So give it some thought. In the meantime I'm going to send somebody back for my car, and it had better be here. Also, tell that character you work for that our conversation was ongoing. He'll get my drift."
I flagged down the maroon car with my badge and got in the passenger's seat before the driver, a blond woman in her late twenties with windblown hair and wide eyes, could speak or concentrate on the two manacled deputies. Her tape player was blaring out Tchaikovsky's First Concerto, and the backseat was an incredible litter of papers, notebooks, and government forms.
"I'm a New Orleans police officer. I need you to take me to the next town," I shouted above the music.
Her eyes were blue and as round as a doll's with surprise and fear. She began to accelerate slowly, her eyes sliding past the handcuffed cops but then riveting on them again in the rearview mirror.
"Are those men locked to the car bumper?" she said.
"Yes. They were bad boys," I yelled back. "Can I turn this down?"
"I'm sorry, but I have to do this. You can go ahead and shoot if you want to."
And with that she slammed on the brakes, dropped the transmission into reverse, and floorboarded the car backwards in a screech of rubber and a cloud of black smoke. My head hit the windshield, then I saw my old Chevrolet coming up fast. "Watch it!" I shouted.
But it was too late. Her bumper caught my front fender and raked both doors. Then she careened to a stop, flipped off the stereo, leaned across me, and yelled at the deputies, "This man says he's a police officer. Is that true?"
"Call the Cataouatche sheriff's office, lady," the older deputy said. He was squatting on one knee, and his face was strained with discomfort.
"Who is this man in my car?"
"He's a piece of shit that's going to get ground into the concrete," the younger deputy said.
The woman yanked the car into low, pushed the accelerator to the floor, and roared past my car again. I felt her back bumper carom off my front fender. She drove like a wild person, papers blowing in the backseat, the lake and flooded woods streaking past us.
"I'm sorry about your car. I have insurance. I think I still do, anyway," she said.
"That's all right. I've always wanted to see the country from inside a hurricane. Are you still afraid, or do you always drive like this?"
"Like what?" Her hair was blowing in the wind and her round blue eyes were intent over the wheel.
