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19
TODD
Megan’s hospital room is crowded with the number of people we’ve crammed into it. Between her parents, me, and the nurses, the small room is packed to the gills. We’re waiting on the doctor to update us on the results of her recent scans. It’s taking everything I have to remain still next to Megan.
I want to yell or pace. Something to relieve the tension consuming my body. None of which will do anything to help Megan stay relaxed, so instead, I stay seated on her hospital bed, stroking the back of her hand with my thumb.
She’s surprisingly calm, keeping up a steady stream of conversation with her mom as the nurses finish their checks. I guess after going through this same thing over and over again, you become numb to the stress.
I have been in complete awe of how Megan has handled this whole situation. She’s been so incredibly strong. Never wavering from her belief that this is just a blip on the radar of her life. I don’t think I could love her any more than I do right now.
I’m also scared out of my mind.
Over the past couple of months, I’ve watched the love of my life wither away to almost nothing. Her body is small and frail, her hair is gone, and a scarf is constantly wrapped around her skull. I have to mentally prepare myself to walk into her room every day so as not to show how much this is truly affecting me. She’s going through enough as it is, she doesn’t need to be worried about me on top of everything else.
But to say I’m doing okay would be a lie. Everything inside of me is in constant turmoil. I’m so afraid there will be a day when I get a call saying Megan has made a turn for the worse. That her body has officially given up, and there’s nothing I can do to fix it. I can’t make her better by wishing it to be true, no matter how hard I pray about it. It’s tearing me up inside knowing I can’t do a damn thing to save her.
After another hour of waiting, the doctor comes into the room with a large folder in his hands. His stoic face never changes as he checks over Meg’s care notes. I’m not sure if that’s his natural facial expression or if it means the news is more serious than we want it to be.
“Hi, Megan,” he says, looking directly at her. It’s nice to see him talking directly to her instead of her parents since this is her body. She’s the one going through this, not them.
“Hey, Dr. Robins.”
“How are you today?”
“Pretty good. A little more tired than yesterday, though.”
“Okay, well I’m going to jump on in and tell you your test results weren’t what we were hoping to see today.”
My heart drops into my stomach as dread spreads through my body like an icy winter wind.
I watch the doctor put up a scan of what I’m assuming is Megan’s abdomen. I wish I understood what we were looking at so I wouldn’t have to wait on the doctor to explain.
“So, here’s the scan from a couple of weeks ago,” the doctor begins, then puts up a second image next to the first. “And here is the most recent scan.” He points out some of the differences as he talks. “It seems, despite a couple of the tumors shrinking, we’ve had another couple emerge, which means the treatment is no longer working how we need it to.”
A heavy pause filters through the room as we take in the words of the doctor.
“So, I’m not getting better,” Megan says, her voice devoid of any emotion. My heart is shattering in my chest. After all of the sacrifices she’s made for her body to heal, none of it was worth it. It didn’t do a damn thing to make it better.
“Is there any other treatment you can try?” I ask, trying to keep my voice from breaking.
“There are two, and to be honest, they are both Hail Marys.”
“What are they?” Megan’s mom prompts.
“The first is a full hysterectomy, which would remove the majority of the tumors. The second is an experimental treatment course. We won’t be able to apply for that until after we try the hysterectomy. They only take patients who have no other treatment options.”
Megan’s whole body deflates with her sigh. It’s as if all of the fight has left her, and she no longer has the strength to continue pushing forward.
Watching the last dregs of hope leave her body creates a black hole of despair so deep in my chest, I know I will never be rid of it. It’s rooted so deep into my soul that no matter what happens, it will be there forever.
