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Or hurt.
I was so mad, I excused myself and went to our room, wanting away from him before I did something I would regret. Like smack him.
Or cry.
For the rest of that day and the next, I steered clear of him, avoiding him as much as possible. When he asked if something was wrong, I only told him I was tired, which was true. I was exhausted. But every time I closed my eyes to try to sleep, I was jerked awake by the nightmares.
Even though I knew Sheena could no longer hurt me, her laughter as she did what she’d done to Nova haunted my dreams. The lack of sleep was making me nauseated, and I woke up on the third day and had to quickly stumble to the bathroom. But I didn’t make it to the toilet before being violently sick. I wasn’t sure if it was from how tired I was, or if it was because I couldn’t stomach the sound of Sheena’s cackling in my head anymore.
Sobbing, I bent in half, retching. My knees felt weak—from lack of sleep or the violence of being ill, I wasn’t sure—but I felt myself falling and cried out in distress, knowing I didn’t have the energy to stop myself.
Bain’s arms caught me. “I have you, mo chroí,” he panted, scooping me up.
I couldn’t answer because I was too busy throwing up…all over him. The sight and smell normally wouldn’t have bothered me. I was a nurse, for fuck’s sake. I’d handled far worse when I’d done my clinicals during nursing school and hadn’t gagged once. But I was so embarrassed that I’d just puked all over him, my stomach heaved again in protest.
He didn’t even seem fazed by it as he carried me into the shower. There was a bench against one wall, and he carefully sat me down. “What can I do to help you?” he asked, sounding almost helpless. I didn’t think he’d ever taken care of a sick person before in his life.
“Washcloth,” I gasped, leaning my head against the cool, tiled wall. “Dampened with cold water.”
He straightened and pulled his shirt over his head, tossing it aside, not seeming to notice the smell as he rushed to do as I’d instructed. Moments later, he touched the cool cloth to my cheek, and I took it from him, cleaning myself off while he crouched in front of me. When he touched my leg, I noticed his hands were trembling.
“Should I call Dr. Rose?” His voice was almost as shaky as his hands. I shook my head, and he only seemed to get more upset. “Are you sure? You’re so pale, and these dark shadows under your eyes look like someone has beaten you. Did you get any sleep at all last night?”
“Where were you last night?” I asked, my voice hoarse from all the vomiting. Except for that first night when he’d shown up with bloody knuckles, he hadn’t even tried to sleep in the same bed once since we’d arrived, and I didn’t know how I felt about that. I wanted to say I would have screamed and kicked him out of the master bedroom, but honestly, I wasn’t sure I would have. Other than to check on me before I fell asleep or first thing the next morning, he’d kept his distance from the bedroom.
I didn’t want to admit that I wanted his arms around me. I didn’t think I could sleep peacefully without him holding me. But I feared that was the only way the nightmares would leave me alone so I could get some rest. The last time I’d actually slept was when I’d fallen asleep in his arms on the trip from New York to Montreal. That felt like eons ago rather than mere days.
He grimaced. “We’re about to have company. I’ve been preparing for our guests.”
“Guests?” I squeaked, sitting up a little straighter despite how nauseated I still felt.
His face tightened. “My sources tell me your family is only a few hours away. We have a few things to discuss before their arrival.” When I just sat there staring at him in bewilderment, he took the washcloth from me and started wiping me off again. “Do you want a shower? I can help you…” His jaw turned to granite. “At least I’ll try.”
I didn’t know which I was more stunned to hear. That my family was on their way, or that he actually wanted to help me shower. Needing a moment to prepare myself for what the arrival of my family might mean, I shook my head. “I-I think I can take it from here.”
Conflicting emotions crossed his face, but he gave a nod and straightened once again. “If you need anything, I’ll just be in the bedroom.”
I waited until the door shut behind him before moving. Which members of my family were coming? Of course Papa would come for me, but would…Ryan?
My stomach heaved again, and I didn’t think I had the strength to see my honorary twin yet. He’d been so busy since Nova’s death that we hadn’t had time to talk, so he didn’t know my part in everything. But if he came, and realized exactly who Bain was to me, then there would be no keeping the truth from him any longer.
Oh God, he would know it was my fault Nova was dead.
She’d been everything to him. His life revolved around her. And if it weren’t for me, she might still be alive.
Tears poured down my face as I showered, my nausea and exhaustion only escalating as I struggled to do the smallest tasks. I barely had any hair left now, but my arms felt like they weighed fifty pounds each as I washed it.
By the time I dried off, I was stumbling around. My robe was hanging on the back of the bathroom door, and I fumbled with the belt as I walked into the bathroom, my hair still dripping because I had no strength left even to towel-dry it.
“When will they be here?” I asked as I waddled to the bed and sat down.
Bain stood by the window, looking out over the courtyard, his hands thrust deep into his pockets. He hadn’t put on a clean shirt yet, so he was just in his shoes and slacks. He looked like a statue standing there, his shoulders so tight with tension they could have been carved from rock. Seeing the tattoo on his back, I was reminded of the moment when I realized who he was, and a tear spilled from my eye. I quickly dashed it away before he could turn to see me crying.
“They are about three hours out,” he said after a moment, turning to face me. “Are you feeling better?”
“It’s just lack of sleep,” I said with a shrug. Even that felt like it took too much effort, wasting what little strength I still possessed. “I need all the rest I can get because the babies suck all my energy, but I can’t sleep.”
His face darkened with concern. “Should we ask Dr. Rose to prescribe you something to help you sleep?”
“Getting to sleep isn’t the issue. It’s what happens when I close my eyes.” When he just stood there looking confused, I got frustrated with him. “The nightmares, Bain. I can’t sleep because every time I drift off, I’m haunted by what happened.”
Understanding dawned in his eyes. “But you have nothing to fear from Sheena now, mo chroí. I’ve eliminated the evil she wanted to infect you with.”
“It doesn’t matter that she’s dead. What she did is still locked in my head. It’s not just what she did to me physically, damn it. She took Nova from me… From Ryan.”
My voice caught on his name, causing Bain’s already stiff posture to harden even more. “Why does it hurt you more that he lost her, than you did?” he gritted out.
