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I knew in that moment everything had changed. Dean had been willing to stay in Texas up until he’d left. Once he got to New York, things had changed for him. His eyes pleaded with mine. I had no answer, and I couldn’t ask for more than he had already given me. I should’ve asked him to stay when he insisted that he would. I’d lost my chance, and now I knew he felt his future resided in New York, and there was nothing I could do about it. He’d been willing to let me go.
I took him in one last time. He was beautifully dressed, wearing distressed jeans, a thin blue sweater, and a black blazer. His jet-black hair had gotten a bit longer and was slightly curling at the ends. His blue eyes bore into mine as I swallowed a breath filled with his clean scent. I reached out and touched his face, taking in his chiseled features as he studied me with confusion. I swallowed hard and stayed quiet for several moments as I accepted our fate. I looked up at him with fresh tears in my eyes.
“Okay, you stay,” I said, looking around me at the incredible city that surrounded us and hung my head. I couldn’t compete with it. “Fuck.”
“Dallas, I still love you,” he said, as if he knew what I was about to say.
“I know.” I attempted to smile while the inside of my chest squeezed so painfully it took my breath away. I looked into his crystal blue eyes and made him a promise.
“I’ll still love you,” I said softly. “I’ll still love you in a week, in a month, and in three years. I’ll still love you for the rest of my life. You did that to me, and you can’t change it. No matter where you go or what you do, I will still love you. Even if you marry another—” my voice cracked as my tears fell in a steady stream “—or I find someone, I’ll love you more. Nothing will ever change that, Dean. Nothing can.” Time, space, it’s never seemed to matter when it came to Dean. I’d been a fool to think my love had a limit. The clarity of that realization hit me harder than ever as I gave him one last look. His beautiful features twisted in pain as he soaked in my words. “You will always matter more. It will always be you. Go be a doctor, Dean.” I let a last, lone tear slide down my cheek then walked away from him. I didn’t want to see his reaction. It didn
’t matter. He’d let me go.
It was over.
I had lost Dean to New York.
Dallas
Now
I arrived at my parents’ house an hour later, not looking for either of them, and heading to my room. I texted Josh and told him I was too tired to see him. My reply was exactly what I expected it to be: cold and harsh. I would have to make it up to him. I was completely lost in Dean’s world and his confessions to me.
I heard my mother’s light knock on my bedroom door before she pushed it open to find me staring at the ceiling.
“Dallas? Honey, what are you doing here?” my mother questioned as I sat up in my old bed, grabbed a pillow, and held it to me. “I don’t know.”
“You’re upset. Tell me what’s wrong.” She moved in closer, her eyes scanning me as I breathed in deeply to keep from crying.
I wanted Rose. I needed my best friend and she was off in la-la land celebrating her newfound happiness with her fiancé, which I was currently resenting. I looked up at my mother with swollen eyes, suddenly furious with her and needing to unleash. “I need you to explain to me why the hell you would put these stupid ideas about love into my head.”
My mother turned around and walked out of my bedroom. I stood quickly, following her down the stairs while I ranted. “It’s ridiculous to believe there is only one person for everyone. Why would you teach your kids to think that! It’s absolutely wrong!” She stopped mid-step and looked up to me with her brows raised. Her hair was piled on top of her head and her favorite robe was snugly clasped around her. I backed off briefly until she turned back around, heading back down. “You are wrong,” I threw at her as I stopped and took a seat on the top of the stairs.
“That’s not what I taught you, Dallas,” she said as she looked up at me, concern heavy on her features.
“If this is what it’s like, I don’t fucking want it,” I declared firmly. She disappeared into the kitchen then returned with a bottle of wine and two glasses. “Your father is sleeping. Get your crazy ass out on the patio. Let’s have a drink.” I couldn’t help my grin as she addressed me. It was no big mystery where I got my personality from. I admired her to no end. She was strong, self-assured, yet completely lovable and loving at the same time.
“If I am crazy, it’s only because you made me this way,” I insisted as I followed her out. There was a perfect breeze offsetting the day’s heat as we took a seat on the cedar bench in the middle of her rose garden.
“Rose told me Dean is back,” she said, eyeing me while filling our glasses.
I nodded, downing half my glass, trying to erase the memory of his beautiful, naked body. “I’m with Josh. Actually, I’m supposed to be with him right now, and Dean is screwing it all up,” I said helplessly.
“Or are you?” she asked.
“Both,” I answered. “Mom, I would have been fine. I was fine…Finally,” I told her, pouring another glass of wine.
“And now you’re not,” she said, coaxing me. I looked at her oddly as she tried to hide her amused smile.
“No, I’ve gone bat shit. Completely crazy! He drives me insane! He expects to just waltz in after all this time and pick up where we left off! He’s still so arrogant and possessive, ugh, what an ass!”
“Wow,” my mother smiled, “sounds rough.” I narrowed my eyes at her.
“Mom, if you are going to make fun of me, I’ll leave,” I pushed out. She chuckled at my discomfort. “Seriously, it’s not funny,” I said, my voice cracking. “That man damn near destroyed me.”
She sobered up almost instantly. “I know this story,” she said grabbing my hand. “I know you’re scared.”
“Mom, I’m terrified.” I paused briefly thinking of the mess I’d made the first few years after our break up. “I never told you this, but I kind of lost it when we broke up. I mean, lost it. I did things you would never want to hear about.”
