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“Well, now I hate you, Laz, so good going,” I mouthed, kicking the dirt up in front of him. He’d beat the snot out of Johnny Reid for announcing the arrival of my period because of Lucy Harden’s big mouth. Lucy had been responsible for the most embarrassing moment of my life, aside from Laz seeing my mother for the first time.
“Don’t go all half-cocked, Red. ’Sides, you ain’t my girlfriend,” he snapped after gripping my wrist.
“Nope, I ain’t and I won’t ever be.” I felt my heart break in that moment and lashed out further. “But one day you’ll wish I was, and you won’t get your way. To hell with you, Lazarus!”
I made my way through my window, bypassing my mother, and sat on the ledge, wiping the wet streaks trailing down my face with annoyance. That night, hearing my mother pace up and down the halls, I imagined
for once her feet would make their way down the hall and out the door, but she wouldn’t stop there. I prayed for the day she would just keep going. I hoped that my daddy would be glad about it and that Amber and I could finally have some peace. I must have drifted off because I woke to a light tap on my window. I thought about ignoring him out of spite, but the truth was that Laz was the only thing I had to look forward to.
He was all I had.
I opened the window part way and poked my head out.
“What do you want?”
He smiled and shrugged. “You still mad at me?”
“Did you really kiss Lucy?”
He nodded in reply.
“Then I’m still mad at you. Get.”
Laz gripped my head as I began to retreat, leaning in to place a hard kiss on my lips. I pulled away slightly, but when he wouldn’t let go, I let his lips linger on mine a beat longer. He pulled away with a grin.
“I’m your first kiss, Red. Nothing will ever change that, and you can’t do a thing about it.”
I wiped my pulsing lips as I lashed out. “Wasn’t nuthun’.”
He ignored me and kept walking as I got into my bed, wide-eyed, my heart beating out of my chest.
I jumped when I felt little hands touch my arm.
“Aylor, I did it.”
I pushed out an impatient breath as my little sister interrupted my moment of reflection.
“Amber, we’re going to get caught one day,” I scolded as I grabbed a clean sheet I hid underneath my mattress.
“Onwe wittle bit,” she promised as I stood to see she had already pulled the urine-stained sheet from the mattress. I studied it, noting it was just a small amount. I grabbed her wet panties and the sheet then crept down the hall to rid them of the smell. I sprayed a little starch on it for good measure and hung it out the bedroom window along with her panties to dry.
“I sorry,” she said as she climbed back into bed and looked at me. She was almost six years old and was afraid of her own shadow. Her speech hadn’t improved since she’d started school, so I did my best to help her. “It’s I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry.”
She was so small, and on a daily basis, I was forced to watch her endure horrible cruelty. Where I had air and sunshine, she was kept a prisoner, covered in bleach that burned and irritated her skin. What my mother did to me never mattered. I could bear it with thoughts of soaking in the pond with my best friend.
My mother seemed to spare me most days in lieu of hurting her, but in the end, I knew she did it because it hurt me more. There were days I would practically beg her to take it out on me, but I gave up when she only punished my little sister harder. Watching Amber sleep that night, I made a promise to myself that I would get us out of there.
And for years, I did nothing but think of a way to do it. Laz and Cedric got caught with drugs their first week of high school and were sent away to juvie in Memphis.
And when they came back, everything had changed, including Laz. Cedric had seemed just as determined as me to get out of Dyer and swore on everything the day he was of age he was signing up for the Army. I secretly and selfishly hoped Laz wouldn’t follow, though he considered it.
It wasn’t until a much later that I realized I should have used my wish more wisely.
Days turned into weeks, and I told myself I was better off without Daniello. And in truth, I was. He’d kept his word and left me without explanation. I’d spent a few days reflecting on our time together and decided it was for the best. A small part of me mourned his absence, the banter, the sex.
God, the sex.
