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Chapter Thirty-Two
DRAGAN
I dropher at home and drive away without looking in the rearview mirror. I don’t want to look. My hands clench the steering wheel hard, but against my will my eyes flick upwards. She is standing at the side of the road, clutching the thick envelope I gave her, and watching my car speed away. She looks so small and vulnerable.
God, her face is so white.
I tell myself that it is better this way, but terrible pain radiates out of my chest. I haven’t felt any emotions since that day I suffocated my own mother. The pain throbs and burns. She is mine and I’ve just let her go. I can’t have her. What kind of life would it be for her and the child? My fist slams on the steering wheel in frustration.
I press the pedal to the floor and the car screeches forward. I go through one set of red lights, but the streets of London are not meant for speeding. There are too many cars and people about. I slow down and take deep breaths to try and calm my racing heart.
A man with a dog crosses the street in front of me. I watch him and his body language. He loves his pet. I never understood love before.
I did the right thing. I wanted to keep her so badly, it hurt like nothing before had, but I can’t be selfish and ruin her life. She will be safer the further away she is from me. I am used to being alone. I’m better alone. I was fine before her and I will be fine again. I will have nothing in my life but my work. I will do my job with great efficiency and I will get paid for it. There is simplicity in that. No one can kill better than me. It is a special skill to see someone in your telescopic sight, aim, fire, watch the target go down and feel nothing. I will go back to being the most efficient killing machine on earth.
The pain remains lodged in my chest.
I don’t know what the future holds. It depends on her. If she can stay hidden. If she thinks there are no more dangers, and reaches out to one of her friends, or goes to see her parents. If she forgets or gets careless, and calls them on their birthdays.
I know going against Sergei is pure madness, only a suicidal fool would attempt it, but I’d rather look behind my shoulder for the rest of my life or die like a dog in some alleyway, a bullet to my head, than harm one hair on that woman’s head. She is a pure and innocent soul, and saving her is the best thing I’ve done in my life. She is the woman I would have chosen if I was a different man, in a differentlife.
I return to my apartment.
For the first time since I moved in, I notice that my apartment looks cold and soulless. My hands are twitching and my whole body feels restless. I go into my training room, strip down, and start to work out. As I am punching the heavy bag I force my mind to remain blank. There is nothing but that black bag swinging from the ceiling and my fists connecting hard with it. I stop when my chest is heaving and my muscles are screaming and the floor underneath me is so wet my feet are slipping. I look up to the mirror. My face is red and sweat is running down my body in rivulets.
I can do this withouther.
I can start again.
Raven? She was just a mistake. I shouldn’t even have taken the assignment. It was a favor to a friend and it has cost me dearly. I am not the man Iwas.
Raven has all the paperwork necessary to get out of the country, the train tickets, the envelope of unmarked bills, and the bankcard for an account I set up in her new name. Money will never be an issue for her again. She and Janna will have all they need. They will be happy.
I must find solace inthat.
As soon as I confirm the train has carried Raven and Janna safely out of the city, I will go to Sergei, show him the photo of Raven with her chest covered in pig’s blood, and tell him the job is done. Then, I will carry on with my old life. I will forget Raven and Janna ever existed. That way, I will keep them safe. In time she will move on. She will forgetme.
My absence is their only chance at survival.
