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“But something happened. I fell in love with the life and I became your brother’s friend for real. I know you might not believe this, but I am loyal to Casso and I’d die to protect him. Casso’s a good man, a decent man. He wouldn’t murder wives and children, no matter how heinous the crime. I’d fight and die for your brothers and for this Famiglia, because they took me in and gave me purpose, but I could never, ever forgive your father for what he did. So last night when he realized who I am, I strangled him to death, and I’d do it again, Karah. I’d do it a hundred more times. He deserved to die.
“I’m not sorry for his death, but I am so, so sorry that I didn’t tell you the truth about me sooner. I am so sorry that I misled your brothers and the Famiglia, and I know you might never forgive me, but that’s okay. We had something good, even if it was only for a little while, and I swear it, Karah, my time with you has been the happiest time of my entire life. I’m not asking for anything, not a second chance or forgiveness, I only want you to understand that I care about you more than I ever thought I could. Before you, I figured that side of me was dead and gone, but you woke it up.
“You gave me life again. Thank you for that. I’ll always love you for it. But I’m a wreck and a monster, and now you understand the full extent. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”
I stop talking. I feel utterly drained like I stabbed myself in the chest and bled deep red arterial blood all over the bed. My shoulder wound throbs and I’m so exhausted I can barely stay awake, but I sit there and let her stare at me with a cold, dead expression, like she heard every word I said but none of it pierced through the veil of her trauma.
I hate myself. I despise what I’ve become and what I did to her and her family, but I don’t regret it.
Don Bruno deserved to die.
“We need to go to Tuscany.” Her voice is tiny and it takes me a moment to register what she said.
“Tuscany? I don’t understand.”
“Tuscany,” she repeats. “I need to talk to Elise.”
“Karah—”
She turns away and stares at the window. “Tuscany. Elise. Let me sleep and then we’ll go.”
I stare at her. I don’t understand—why does she need to talk to Elise now of all times? Doesn’t she want to tell her brothers what I’ve done?
Some part of me yearns for a punishment because I hate that I betrayed her and Casso like this and I desperately want them to murder me for my transgression, and yet Karah doesn’t look in my direction, she doesn’t make a sound, she only stares at the window like it holds all the secrets of her heart. She could’ve told them a hundred times over—but she hasn’t, not yet, and that gives me a spark of hope that makes everything so much more painful.
Hope can starve as much as hunger.
It’s a slow starvation, one that drains you while you’re not paying attention, as slowly the truth dawns—that whatever’s hoped for won’t come true—but the hours and days and months and years that led up to that moment are like their own death, tiny but impossible to miss. Hope is its own poison and its own pleasure, and I’ve had enough to last a lifetime.
“Tuscany,” I say quietly as I stand. “I’ll have Casso prepare the plane and we’ll leave in the morning.”
She glances at me. “Tonight.”
I stand stiff and try to make sense of her request—Tuscany and Elise, the two things I thought we would never deal with again, both of them a symbol of shallow excess and unnecessary at a time like this, simply loose ends—but I sigh and run a hand through my hair. If she wants Tuscany, and Elise, and a truck filled with cotton candy and the fucking moon, she’ll have it.
“Whatever you want.”
She stares back at the window and I leave her alone.
Fynn’s in the hallway, replacing Gavino. He seems drawn tight and wound up. “How is she?”
I shake my head. “Resting. She needs to sleep.” I gently massage my injured arm. “Where’s Casso?”
“Don’t know. On the phone somewhere, preparing.”
“I need the plane.”
“What? The fucking plane?”
“We’re going to Tuscany.”
Fynn gapes at me. “You’re kidding me.”
“I wish I were. Let her get some sleep, we’re heading out in a few hours.”
Fynn only stares in confusion as I walk off.
Chapter 34
Karah
The SUV rolls slowly over the dirt back road past undulating green hills studded with trees and bushes and tufts of wafting grass and it’s like a painting, except the wind blows through the leaves and they rustle slightly and the sun pelts down across the ground and it’s real, it’s here, and it smells like fresh air and heaven.
