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“Yes, baby. He loved the girl, too.”
“The girl wasn’t alone anymore. He was there with her until he had to leave.”
“Why he had to leave?”
“Because the darkness and living in the woods were scary for their little boy,” I said, tickling him till his childish giggle filled the room.
After his giggle died there was an awkward silence in the room, filled with a tension I co
uldn’t name, like announcing the storm.
And the storm came from my three year old boy’s lips… “Mommy, is the black knight my real daddy?”
How could a person answer that question?
How could I lie to the innocent angel who lies in my arms?
How could I darken his little soul with a lie?
So I said the truth and placed the weight on his little shoulders, “Yes, baby. The black knight is your real daddy.”
“Will I ever see him, Mommy? Just for once?” he said, swallowing with the tears that welled up in his eyes.
“Do you want that?”
“Yes, Mommy. Just for once… I promise I won’t be scared in the woods and I won’t cry in the dark.”
I tried to breathe through the lump in my throat. He was too smart for his own good. His choice of words wrecked me, caused the blood leak out from the cracks of my heart.
“Let’s get ready. We’re going to see daddy, but it’s gonna be our little secret.”
With a little squeal he jumped from my lap and put a serious look on his face. “If auntie asks tomorrow I’m gonna say we went to the park.”
“You’re so smart, baby boy,” I smiled.
I wasn’t sure if I was doing the right thing, probably not; I wasn’t known for right decisions.
As we walked out of the room to head MJ’s Pax was there, looking at me intensely. “I’ll drive you two,” he said before turning back in the hallway.
And just like that he chose to be there again even if that meant helping the woman he loved to meet the man she loved. But this time was different… this time would be the last time I hurt him. Because this time it would be a goodbye to my monster.
October 31, 2018
The prison was accepting visitor application online, but fortunately we could get the permission in just an hour. After preparing everything they wanted we took off the road. I read the visitor guideline I found online on the road and approximately two hours of drive later we were sitting outside of the correctional center. It was a tension filled trip, but I was glad I didn’t have to do this alone.
I was nervous, excited, confused; even after all those years Mike was capable of pulling every kind of emotions in me.
“We won’t be long,” I murmured.
Pax’ hand enveloped mine before I got out of the car. His piercing blue eyes sucked me in their depth. “I’ll be here,” he rasped.
“I know. We’ll be back,” I replied, meaning more than I said.
“Are you ready, MJ?” I turned to look at my son who seemed like he would visit Disneyland instead of a prison. Nodding his head he tried to open the belt on his child seat. I sometimes forgot he was just three year old with his intelligence.
*****
I sat on the chair with MJ on my lap, waiting for Mike to show up in the visiting room. Waiting Mike was like the last moment of the passionate kiss that left you satisfied but also hungry for more, or the last piece of dessert you wanted to eat even though you feel like you won’t be able to take any more, even though you knew your decision will be followed by regret. Waiting for him was like hoping to catch the last glimpse of someone you loved before the goodbye – exciting, upsetting, and full of longing which would end with heartache and regret.
