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“How are you, Mr. Rayburn?”
“I’m good. You?”
“Great. I’m looking for Jon. I see you have Atticus and Scout. Do you know where he is?”
“Can’t say that I do. He just asked me to keep the cats so he could get away for a few days. He looked rattled but wouldn’t talk to me about it. He promised me he wouldn’t do anything stupid. I just hope he doesn’t. I don’t think he’d survive going back to where he’s been.”
“Jon doesn’t like to talk about that, but I think I need to know. Will you tell me?”
“Yeah, I’ll tell you. I think you deserve to know, and maybe you can help him if you know the whole truth. Or help yourself. That’s been the hardest thing for me. We can help people, but we can’t change them. We have to remember to look out for ourselves. Come on in and have a seat. I’ll get you a glass of tea.”
I followed him inside, noting that he still had photos of me and Jon on the wall that I hadn’t noticed on my previous visit. There was a photo of Jon’s mother wearing the engagement ring, and I wondered if he would be upset about what had been done to it or if Jon had talked it over with him first. I took a drink of the tea he offered after I was seated on the sofa and felt like I might lapse into an immediate diabetic coma from the sweetness. I nursed it enough to pretend I was enjoying it, internally musing at how the Southerners were surely keeping the sugar business afloat with their sweet tea habits alone.
I listened as he told me the story behind Jon’s disappearance and return home. He didn’t try to sugarcoat it but told me exactly how bad Jon had gotten, how much trouble he had gotten himself into, and what a long road back it had been for both of them. Jon had struggled to stay clean, eventually got to a place where he seemed to be past it all and was doing well. Mr. Rayburn made no bones about the fact that feuding with me wasn’t good for Jon’s ability to stay clean.
“But I’m not saying that is your fault, Rain. It wasn’t your fault the first time, and, if he’s slipped, it’s not your fault this time. He’s so afraid that he’ll lose you again that he maybe overstepped his bounds, but he loves you. My son has always loved you. He loved you when he left here the first time. He knew what he had become, and he knew that he would take you down with him. He didn’t run to get away from you, honey. He ran to protect you from his demons, and then he let them consume him without you to give him hope. That’s all on him and no one else, but don’t ever think that he was trying to put you behind him.”
The tears I had managed to stave back earlier now burst forth like a fountain. Mr. Rayburn retrieved some tissues and handed them to me, awkwardly trying to comfort me. I sat there long enough to get it out of my system and gather myself back up before standing up.
“I’ve got to go find Jon,” I said, already heading for the door.
“Go get our boy,” he said as I bolted out the screen door.
21
Rain
My search for Jon was futile. I checked every bar in town, hoping I’d find him in none of them and also hoping I would. He wasn’t at any of the properties he was renovating. I checked with his friends and even went by to see Allison, but she wasn’t home, gone into Moseley, according to a neighbor.
I considered that he might be at the old cabin at the edge of the property, but it was in such ill repair when we used to go there that it was bound to be reduced to rubble by now. I couldn’t stomach going there just to see it in the same ruins that our relationship now found itself. Instead, I decided to wait it out and let him have a few days to himself. I had to trust him.
Still, each time my cell phone rang, I jumped to answer it, hopeful it was Jon. I was so afraid of where he might be, of what he might be doing. I felt conflicted. Even though I worried about him, I was still angry. I didn’t need someone to save me, and I hated that he made me feel like I hadn’t accomplished my dream on my own. I knew he was only trying to help, but it felt like a violation of trust.
This time the call was from Becky, checking in on me after her shift at the bank. I answered the call and tried to sound like I wasn’t quickly becoming some sort of basket case. Instead, I found myself listening to her complain about her less-than-mind-blowing love life.
