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‘Ah! Just breathe in that breeze! Feel that air filling your lungs! A hundred of Neptune’s sea-horses couldn’t get me and my ship away from here again! Old Blighty, England, home - there she is! Isn’t it a wonderful sight, Sir?’
Silence.
‘And the weather - perfect for a coming home! Perfect for anything really! Smell that air, will you? I tell you, there’s no air anywhere in the world like good, clean English air! Don’t you think so, Sir?’
Silence.
‘Ah, I know what you’ll say! You’ll say I’m being sentimental!’
Silence.
‘But it ain’t that, Sir. I swear, it ain’t that. This old sailor’s been all around the world, from the Cape of Good Hope - which didn’t inspire me with much hope, let me tell you - to the rocky cliffs of Norway and back again, and let me tell you, there’s no place like Old Blighty!’
Silence.
‘The green hills, the fields, the decent ale - and the people! The people are always friendlier at home, don’t you think? I always say the French are stuck up, the Germans stiff, but Englishmen - you won’t find a single Englishman who isn’t kind, polite and warm.’
Stone-cold silence.
‘No wonder, considering. Who wouldn’t be cheerful on such a wonderful day! Ah, just breathe in the breeze, Sir, breathe in the breeze! Isn’t that wonderful weather, Sir?’
Icy eyes turned on the captain of the ship. My icy eyes.
‘Which part, Captain? The fog, the cold wind, or the drizzle?’
The captain, apparently immune to all forms of sarcasm, smiled brightly. ‘All of it! Isn’t it wonderful to be back in England? Admit it, you don’t get weather like this anywhere else.’
I shook my head to rid myself of the worst of the incessant wetness, and pulled my hat deeper into my face. ‘Indeed you do not.’
‘Aren’t you happy to be back home, Mr Ambrose?’
I threw the captain another look.
‘England is many things - but certainly not my home. I don’t have or need one.’
‘Ah, come on, Sir!’ A huge hand slammed into my back, and I had to suppress the instinctive reaction of grabbing it, twisting it and forcing its owner to his knees with a gun put to the side of his head. Old habits die hard. ‘Everybody has a home! After all the time you’ve been away in the colonies, I’m sure your family is going to give you a big, warm welcome back! Your mum and your old man will be tickled pink to see you!’
‘Captain?’
‘Yes, Mr Ambrose, Sir?’
‘We’re very close to the shore now.’
‘Yes, I know, Sir.’
‘But do you also know what that means, Captain?’
‘I’m afraid not, Sir.’
I gave the man a very meaningful look. ‘It means that I don’t need you anymore to reach my destination. Shut up or I will throw you over the side.’
‘Um… Yes, Mr Ambrose, Sir. Of course, Mr Ambrose, Sir.’
After that, the captain didn’t seem to feel quite so jovial anymore. He made himself scarce. I didn’t even glance at his retreating back. Instead, I continued to stare at the distant cliffs of Dover, rising in front of us out of the mist.
