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‘I’ve found one, Miss Linton! It took me really long, but I’ve finally found one!’
‘Um…one what?’ I enquired, trying to hide the crappy bag behind my back.
‘This!’
With a triumphant grin, he held out his hands, presenting me with—
‘Rrrrng! What the heck is that?’ I hadn’t thought it possible for there to be anything that smelled worse than the bag I was currently carrying. I had been wrong. The mouldy piece of wood Edmund was holding out to me smelled as if a whale had used it as a privy. It looked like it, too. Squashed and cracked in multiple places, it was covered with cracked shells, grime, tar, and other delightful things you come across if you go for a nice swim in a dirty harbour basin.
‘A ship plank!’ Edmund was beaming as if he was one of Father Christmas’s elves. ‘Mouldy and rotten, too, just as you ordered. It wasn’t easy to find. Do you know how far away Bath is from the coast? Plus, you won’t believe how many ship captains object to your chopping off a piece of their ship, even if it’s just a tiny small one.’
‘Oh, I think I might believe that.’
‘Well, anyway, I finally found one who allowed me to take this for a fee.’ He lifted the plank proudly. ‘Will you put it under Ella’s bed, Miss Linton?’
I gazed at him and his hopeful puppy dog expression.
‘Right away,’ I lied and took the plank. Why not? My hands would need to be scrubbed with bleach anyway.
‘Thank you. Thank you, Miss Linton. What would I do without you?’
Stick mouldy planks under your fiancée’s bed, probably?
I really would have to drop in on them occasionally once they were married, just to check whether someone had tried to sell the poor fellow some all-healing snake oil or get him to invest in an expedition to rediscover a lost ancient south-African silver mine.
‘I’ll bring her this right away,’ I lied.
‘How is she?’
Anxiety was written all over his face with letters so big even a blind analphabetic bat could have read it.
‘Much better,’ I assured him, grateful that this time it was the absolute truth. ‘The carrots helped a lot.’
‘Really?’ he perked up. ‘Should I bring more?’
‘Um…I think more ham sandwiches would be better. They were even more effective.’
He nodded earnestly. ‘I’ll go make some straight away.’
‘Bless you. You’re a good man, Edmund. And…’
‘Yes?’
‘Never buy anything from a salesman, or invest in anything before asking Ella.’
He blinked—then nodded. ‘Err…all right. I’ll see you later, Miss. Later.’
‘Till then.’
I watched him recede down the corridor, then looked down at the two objects in my hand. I might be able to sneak out with the sack, in spite of the odour. But the mouldy ship plank? I didn’t think I should try to march through the lobby with that. Not unless I wanted to visit the local loony bin. But there was always more than one way to solve a problem. One: solve it yourself. Two, and far better: unload it on someone else.
Turning around, I strode back into the room. From her bed, Ella blinked as she saw me striding by with my new load.
‘Err…am I hallucinating?’
‘Unfortunately no.’
‘Are you sure?’ She eyed the plank dubiously. A bit of seaweed was still dangling off the edge. ‘I could be having a relapse.’
