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“Yay,” she agreed happily.
The silence in the room was palpable as she slid out of her chair and walked out of the room. I closed the door and leaned against it.
“Della-Ray,” Nichole said into the deadly silence. “Listen to me. For once, freaking listen to me. You can’t keep doing this. The years are going to go by and one day, you’ll wake up and not be able to recognize yourself.”
“What do I fucking do then?” I exploded, my chest constricting with pain at her words. “What do I fucking do? You want me to abandon Jess?”
I thought she would back down, but she didn’t. “You want me to tell you what I really think?”
“Obviously.”
“All right, I will. I’m not going to pussyfoot around this situation anymore. I’m going to be the friend I’ve always been and be dead honest with you.” She took a deep breath and went on, “I want you to give Jess up for adoption. Before you say anything, my brother is adopted and my parents have loved him as much as they have me. With the right people, they could be a better option than you struggling to take it all upon yourself. I honestly do think the best thing you can do for her is to find her a good home, where they will love her and give her the best medical attention she needs.”
I stared at her in disbelief. “You really think that’s possible?”
She nodded firmly. “Yes, I really do.”
“In that case, you’re crazy. To start with, I would never ever abandon her, and also you think there are people who will take in a child with down syndrome and a cardiovascular heart disease by choice, huh? The last time she ended up in hospital, I used up every bit of savings I had and then some.”
“You don’t know that no one will take her,” she argued. “You haven’t tried. There are people with money and kind hearts.”
“Nichole, let’s get one thing straight. I’m not putting her up for adoption. Over my dead body. Can you see Jess in some other home, without me? It would break her heart.”
“She’s only four. She’ll get over it.”
“I wouldn’t.” My voice was shaking.
“Oh, Del. What about you, though? What about your life?”
“She is my life and I can’t believe that you can’t see that.”
“All I know is that Denise wanted to give her up as soon as she was born, but you stepped in and stopped it.”
“I’m the bad guy now? For not abandoning the child my sister gave birth to?”
“You are,” she shot back.
I stared at her, taken aback.
“To yourself,” she continued. “Okay, so you gave up on the idea of living in New York as a writer, but at least if you were in some way working towards becoming a writer, I wouldn’t mind so much. We came here so we could both pursue our artistic dreams, instead every dime you make and every free hour you have goes into Jess’s care. You pay absolutely no attention to yourself. To the things you want or even need. You can’t even get a boyfriend because no guy wants to be saddled with the kind of baggage you’re carrying around with you. Even that shitbag, Michael, that you hooked up with was only pretending to like Jess. You’re not living and you’re going to regret it.”
“As for Michael, I have to be grateful to Jess. If not for her, I might have wasted more time on that loser. And as for being an author, I promise, I’ll start writing again. Soon. When I’m debt-free.”
Her voice rose. “Then let me help pay off your debts … please.”
“I can’t let you do that, Nichole. If I did, you won’t be able to carry on with your apprenticeship. Please, just trust me … I’ve worked it all out. By the end of this year, I should be in the clear again.”
She looked at me with sadness in her eyes. “What happens if Jess gets sick again before that, or even after that?”
A wave of horror swept over me.
She saw the shudder I couldn’t conceal and pounced, “You can’t even get insurance for that girl, can you? What will you do if she gets sick again like she did last winter, Della?”
I pushed away the fear that kept me awake at night and answered her quietly, “I don’t know, but I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.”
“You can’t keep avoiding this, Della. You’re not doing Jess any favors keeping her when you can’t afford to take care of her properly.”
I dropped my head in guilty silence. It was true that I couldn’t provide Jess with the best health care, but no one could give her more love than I could and maybe that would be enough … if we were lucky and she didn’t get sick again. After all, the doctor said he had never seen a healthier child during our last visit.
