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“Well, Anita said that you don’t like to be touched and after touching your arm to stop you leaving...” He scuffs his shoes on the floor, looking down and then back up to me.
I stare with wide eyes, my mouth opening and closing, not a sound coming out.
I can’t believe she discussed me with him. Our sessions are confidential, she shouldn’t be talking about me to anyone, never mind the person who our last session was about.
Spinning on my heels, I adjust my bag on my shoulder, holding my head high and trying to stay calm.
“Ava?” Thomas calls after me.
I ignore him and walk as fast as I can across the campus, heading straight for the Medical Center to confront her.
This is the last straw, she may think that she’s helping by telling him that I don’t like to be touched, but all she’s doing is making things worse. All of the trust that we’ve been building since I started college has just come crashing down and there’s no way it’ll ever come back.
Walking straight past the lady at the front desk, I go towards Anita’s office and pull the door open.
She looks up from her desk, her eyes going wide when she sees who’s just barged into her office unannounced. “You had no right,” I grit out, barely able to get my words out because I’m so angry. “How dare you.”
“Ava-” I hold my hand up in the air as she starts to stand, trying to explain herself but she can’t, there’s no way she can.
“Don’t bother,” I sneer. “I’ve made zero progress coming and seeing you. I’ll do it on my own, I don’t need to talk to a shrink.” She opens her mouth to say something but I don’t stay around to listen. With shaking hands, I step out of her room and out of the building. My anger fueling me the whole way back to the apartment.
It isn’t until I step through the door to my apartment that I realize I haven’t worn my headphones since leaving the lecture.
I smile to myself, another thing I’ve tackled today.
Walking out of class on Friday, I listen to everyone talk about their plans for the weekend. I’ve been opened up to a whole new world now that I don’t wear my headphones and I can actually hear what people are saying.
Nobody is interested in talking to me and I quite enjoy listening to the conversations around me.
This time, I find myself being led with the group of people leaving the building, not being able to get out from the middle of the crowd. My chest starts rising and falling at the thought of not being able to get away, being trapped.
I clench my fists tight and count in my head, trying my best to stay calm.
I can do this.
Seeing the doors just ahead, I tell myself over and over that I’ll be fine, once I’m out of those doors, everything will go back too normal.
The crowd seems to slow down as we get nearer the doors or that’s what it feels like, my breathing turns into pants and my head starts to spin. I know that if I don’t get out of those doors quick I won’t be able to stay standing.
I have to get through this. For me. For my own sanity.
I take in a huge lungful of air as I finally step out of the doors and veer off to the left, leaning against the wall and closing my eyes briefly. The smile on my face spreads into a giant grin for making it through the crowd without having a major freak out, that could have been so much worse.
Since deciding to do this myself without help from anyone else, I’ve made so much progress. I don’t want to rely on anyone else, I want to be able to do this on my own.
“Ava?”
Bringing my head up, I look into Jess’ hazel eyes and see the concern they hold for me. She’s been my rock since I started college but she doesn’t need to be that anymore. I want to just be her friend and roommate and have a normal relationship like all the other girls on campus.
“Hey, Jess,” I say, pushing up off the wall and linking my arm through hers as I start to guide us back to the apartment.
She looks at me with a frown on her face. “You okay?”
“Me?” I point at my chest. “Yeah, I’m fine.”
I smile at a girl walking by me, knowing her from the library and look over at Jess catching the slight smile on her face. Neither of us says it but we’re both thinking it; I’m changing, and for the better.
“Do you want to come out tonight?” Jess asks out of habit, like she does every single Friday without fail. My answer is always an automatic no, I never even think about it but today I’ve avoided a panic attack and I feel strong.
