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I feel his hands come around my waist and his chin rests on my shoulder as he says in my ear, “You looked tired, I didn’t want to disturb you.”
I let out a breath and lean back against his chest, soaking in the warmth that his body brings against the sudden chill in the air.
“You should have woken me.”
“I just couldn’t, you looked so cute.” I feel the shrug of his shoulders and smile wider, closing my eyes and basking in the feel of his arms around me.
We stand there like that for so long. I’ve never felt so at peace. He has this immediate effect on my body and my mind that feels otherworldly.
“You know...” I say, turning in his arms and opening my eyes about to tell him the effect he has on me.
I open my mouth to scream when I don’t see the beautiful brown eyes staring back at me but instead the black soulless ones that have plagued my nightmares ever since that day. His meaty hand slams over my mouth and I try to shake my head, not understanding what’s going on.
“Ava!” I manage to turn my head slightly at the sound of Corey’s voice. I don’t see anything but a bird squawking in a nearby tree, his eyes not leaving mine.
“Now, now, my little butterfly,” his gravely voice grounds out as he trails a finger over my collar bone.
Goosebumps break out on my skin and I can’t stop the sob that comes up and out of my mouth.
His hand travels down my body and I fight to break out of his hold, still hearing Corey’s voice in the distance.
I shoot up in bed, whipping my head all around me and making sure no one is here. My skin is sticky from all the sweat and my comforter sits on the floor in a heaped mess from all the thrashing about I must have done in my sleep.
The sun is starting to peak through my blinds and I let my head drop back down onto my pillow, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly.
It was just a dream.
Corey.
I haven’t seen him in so long.
He’s the one person who I can talk to about everything, well, when he was still here I could. He knows more than anyone else about what I went through that day and more importantly he understood.
When I first came out of that hellhole, he would sit with me all night as I lay staring at a wall, not being able to imagine anything but what that man did to me, and when I was ready to talk about it he was the one I turned to.
No one else, just him.
I relied on him and then... he left. He promised he would keep in touch even if it wasn’t often but still to this day I haven’t heard anything from him.
I don’t know whether to be thankful that he didn’t have to witness what I went through or angry that he hasn’t kept his promise and got in touch with me.
I know his job makes it hard but when I know he’s been talking to Kay, his sister, then I know he could have contacted me too.
In some ways, I think it’s better. It’s a target for me to work towards, for me to get better and be me again when I see him next.
Closing my eyes, I imagine the way his lips curl when he grins and the way his eyes crinkle at the corners.
Just thinking about him now brings me a sense of calm and peace, and for now it’s enough to get the image of the black eyed monster out of my head.
Monday morning comes around again, only this time, I walk through the campus with purpose, knowing that I have to tackle this head on.
I’ve spent the whole weekend putting a plan in place, setting myself mini goals on post-it notes and sticking them all over my bedroom walls. I read that waking up and seeing them as soon as I open my eyes helps, so that’s what I’ve done. There isn’t a bare wall in my bedroom now.
Armed with a list of books to get out at the library, I’m determined to not be this girl anymore, seeing Corey in my dream has done something to me. It’s made me wake up and realize that there’s only me who can make the changes that I need to.
When I finally do see Corey again, I want him to see me differently, not as the broken girl he left behind but the new and improved Ava, the one who can walk into a room and not have to plan where she sits, the one who can talk to a man without freaking out. The one who can hold her head high and walk through a crowd of people without having to wear headphones.
Standing outside the room with the new lecturer in my line of sight I take a deep breath, count to three and step inside. Keeping my head down I walk to my normal seat. Baby steps.
