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I had more questions than answers by the time I left the office for the day, and my mind wouldn’t stop chewing it over. Was our relationship already over and I just hadn’t accepted it yet? Was it inevitable, or was it, as Pippa had accused, my focus on keeping my private life invisible that doomed us?
It was that word, invisible, that had gotten to me. It was why I wanted to give going public a shot. I wasn’t looking for a relationship invisible from the public eye, but I did want a few parts of my life that were just for me.
Was that so wrong?
Chapter 21
Carlotta
“I think that’s enough photos. What do you think?” I arrived at the barn fifteen minutes early to make sure I didn’t have to spend too much time with Chase. After today’s conversation I knew it was best that we maintained a healthy and professional distance from one another. “Well?” I folded my arms and waited for him to respond.
Chase rubbed his jaw, like he was deep in thought when I knew he didn’t care, not about the photos or how the barn would ultimately look for the wedding reception. “Does this roof need to be, I don’t know, sanded or something? It looks a little rough.”
I smiled at his attempt to offer some feedback. “It’s rustic.”
“Then yes, I think there are plenty of photos.” His gaze settled on me for so long I felt a little unnerved, and more than a little certain that he was working his way up to another talk.
“Great.” I gave the barn one final look with a critical eye and turned towards the door. If I walked fast enough, sidestepping the debris in the middle of the barn, I could make it out of here and to my car before Chase got out whatever he was trying to say.
“Carlotta.” My name exited his mouth in a defeated tone that touched me in a way I hadn’t anticipated. “Please.”
My shoulders fell forward, because I knew there was no way to get out of this talk. “Don’t do this Chase. Please.”
“Don’t do what? All I’m trying to do is spend time with you Carlotta. Is that so wrong?”
“It’s not wrong, no.” I turned to him against my better judgment, because I knew the anguish in his green eyes would get to me. His broad shoulders were hunched in defeat. “But to what end?”
His brows dipped in confusion. “To the end that we get to spend more time together.”
“You are purposely misunderstanding me Chase.”
“I’m not. I said I was willing to go on a date, in public, and you shot that idea down, so I really don’t know what else you want from me.”
“What I want is for you to want to go on a date with me. Out in public where people in this town may or may not see us. I don’t want you to be willing to go on a date.” I wanted to believe that this was just a poorly mis-worded proposition, but I couldn’t believe him. I didn’t.
“I want to spend time with you Carlotta. However I can.”
“But you would prefer that we spend time together in your house or mine.” It wasn’t a question. “That’s exactly what we’re doing now.”
“No. We’re meeting up to have sex. That’s it.” His nostrils flared, and I stood a little taller, arms folded so I could stare right back at him.
“And that’s a problem, how exactly?”
“Dammit Carlotta, I want more than that!”
I nodded because after talking with Pippa I understood, but figuring out his life for him wasn’t my job. “I get that, but what you want and what I want don’t match up. You want a secret relationship, where we spend our free time together and no one knows about it. I got that loud and clear Chase. But what about what I want? To go out on dates and have long weekends. Family holidays. I want someone who is free to go after everything, the whole picture. And I want it done out in the open.” He couldn’t possibly be this callous, could he?
“And we can’t do that?” He seemed genuinely confused, and that only stirred my anger, made it hotter and bigger and more furious.
I let my arms drop to my side, but that didn’t feel right and I slid them up to my hips. “Chase, I can’t spend all of my time with a man who clearly isn’t ready for a relationship, and I won’t waste my time and miss my chance to find real love.”
He took a step back as if I’d struck him. “So time with me is wasted if it doesn’t lead to marriage?”
“No, if it has no possibility of being anything more than a dirty little secret, then it’s a waste of time.”
His nostrils flared again as he took in a deep breath and let it out so slowly a full minute passed before he spoke. “I told you we could go out on a date, but you said no. Now I’m starting to think you never wanted anything more than a friends with benefits arrangement.”
“Then you should be happy that whatever this was, it’s over now.” It broke my heart to say those words, to say them right to his face, but it had to be done. “Good night, Chase.” I turned on my heels once again, and this time I made it to the entrance of the barn before I felt his hand on my shoulder.
