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SAGE
The weeks dragged into a month, and nothing happened. I stayed in the house unless I needed to get food. If I got restless, I’d take a walk after dark. My neighborhood was always busy. College classes were in full swing, and the area I lived in was all students. A couple of people who lived in my building had tried to make small talk, but I kept to myself.
I bought pepper spray and a small pocketknife, and I carried them everywhere with me. I drove three hours away to a branch of my bank to pull out more cash. The drive was worth it, to keep where I was staying a secret. I called my dad once a week to check on him, but always made sure it was at different times. The stress of feeling like someone was watching me every second was exhausting. I was scared all the time, even when I was in my apartment.
I was enjoying the sun on one of my rare walks I took during the day, and I passed a small gym. There was a large banner promoting a women’s self-defense class. Standing in front of it, I debated whether it would be worth it.
“You going to stand there all day?” asked a voice from behind me.
I whirled around, ready to bolt. The woman who spoke to me looked both a little amused and confused.
“You’re blocking the door. Are you going in to join the class?”
“Sorry. I didn’t realize I was in the way,” I said quietly, without meeting the woman’s eyes.
“If you’re thinking about it, then it means you need this class. In which case, you should join. It’s only a week long, but you learn a lot. It can’t hurt.” The woman gave me a kind smile before heading inside the gym.
I tapped my fingers on my leg, thinking of the woman’s words. Two minutes later, I opened the door and went inside. I walked up to the counter and asked about the self-defense class.
“You’re just in time. The new class starts tonight. In about fifteen minutes. Would you like to sign up?” the man behind the counter asked.
I glanced down at my black yoga pants and baggy T-shirt. I was already dressed for it.
“Yes, please,” I answered, avoiding his eyes. I didn’t recognize myself anymore. To fear everybody. I used to be strong-willed, and now I couldn’t look people in the eye. My nature was fighting me every step of the way. I missed my old self. The person who’d stood up for anything I believed in. Maybe this class would help get a part of that back.
“Here you go. I just need you to fill out this liability form. And will you be paying with card or cash?”
“Cash,” I responded as I scribbled my name on the line, making sure it wasn’t legible.
“If you just go into that room on the left, that’s where the class is. Have fun.”
I moved toward the door and peered in the window. The class was all women who looked to be around my age. Probably girls from the college. The instructor walked in right after me. A man somewhere in his thirties who looked like he lived at the gym. The sleeves on his shirt were about to rip at the seams. He introduced himself to the class, and they started with warm-ups.
Sweat quickly pooled at my lower back. This was the most I had moved in a month. We went into the first self-defense technique, and I knew this was what I needed. A way to fight back. Images of being trapped in Alex’s arms popped into my head. And it made me work harder. I never wanted to be in that position again. The class finished, and I was already looking forward to what we would learn tomorrow.
* * *
I finished the self-defense class and kept up with working out. It was a way for me to keep busy. I did pushups and other small workouts at home. There were evening boxing classes that I went to. The woman I had met before the first class was named Katie, and I talked to her a few times. I told her the same story about Alex that I had told the apartment manager. A couple of days after that, Katie gave me a stun gun. You need it more than me right now, she had told me. They were illegal without a permit, but I didn’t care. I felt safer having it.
Any time I drove to take out more cash, I visited a library and logged in to my social media. I pulled random pictures from the internet and would make a post about traveling because I needed time after Lacey’s death. There was no one else I was close to other than Lacey and Alex, so going absent online wasn’t difficult. It might not have been the smartest, but I didn’t need more people searching for me if anyone thought I was missing. One crazy cult was enough to deal with.
My old self was beginning to peek out of the cracked shell I had become. Still scared but more confident. I was ready to move on. To get justice for my sister. And I finally had an idea of where to start.
