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Chapter twenty-seven
Kasey
It’sbeenalmosttwo weeks since the basement. My sister is staying with me for the foreseeable future. She couldn’t go back to her apartment alone after I told her what we found there. The idea that Helen was in there has her so freaked out that anytime I bring it up, she shuts down completely. She’s barely been eating and I know she’s hardly sleeping because I hear the TV from my bedroom well into the early morning hours. I haven’t slept much either, which is why I hear the TV. I’m trying to pretend for her. Pretend I’m fine, pretend that seeing Donovan so still and bleeding out in front of me doesn’t give me nightmares when I do manage to shut my eyes. Pretend my heart isn’t shattered in a million pieces without him. There’s been a lot of pretending happening.
Abigail comes over most nights after work, bringing me news from the paper. I’ve talked to Gus a couple of times since I’ve been home. He just tells me to take care of myself and my sister, that my job will be there for me when I’m ready. I’m ready to get back to work, but Lindsey isn’t ready to be alone yet. Our mom offered to come stay, but I know all of us in my little apartment would cause more stress than it would alleviate.
I hear the buzzer to the building that my landlord finally had fixed, and I know who it is immediately. She’s the only one who Lindsey really wants to be around other than me these days. I buzz her in and open the door for Abigail.
“Hello, my darling. Did you shower today?” she asks me skeptically with a quirked brow.
“Why, yes, in fact, I managed it today. Thank you for caring about my personal hygiene,” I reply.
“Listen, you know I love you, but I can only stare at your greasy hair for so long before I hold you under the water and wash it myself.” She leans in for a hug and sniffs my hair.
“Much better,” she says.
I shove her away, laughing at her antics.
“How’s Lindsey today?” she asks. She sees how little progress my sister has been making in her recovery. Physically, she’s fine. Her wrists are healing nicely, but I told Abigail about the sleepless nights and the minuscule appetite. We both agree that letting her live here is the right call, but she needs help that we can’t give her.
“About the same. I’m not sure what time she went to bed, but I know it was after three.” That’s when I think I finally fell asleep.
“So you’re not sleeping either, then.” It’s not a question. She knows the only reason I know about Lindsey’s sleeping habits is because I can’t sleep my damn self.
“Nothing gets past you, Nancy Drew.” I give her a little smile. “Come on. Let’s go into the living room and have a glass of wine.” Abigail follows me to the couch as Lindsey comes out of her room.
“Hey, girl, how’s it going?” Abigail is using her cheerful voice when she says hello to my sister, but I can tell she’s worried by the look she tries to hide. I’ve known her too long and too well for her to hide it from me.
“Abigail and I are going to have a glass of wine. Want one?”
Lindsey moves to sit on the couch and nods at the suggestion. Abigail and I grab a glass and I hand one to my sister, too.
“Cheers, girls.” Abigail, Lindsey, and I clink our glasses and take a sip of our wine. Red, oaky, and delicious. The wine brings back the memory of being at the restaurant with Donovan on our first date. That man has spectacular taste in wine. God, I miss him. I try not to think about him, but images of our time together always seem to pop into my mind. The way we laughed and the way we made love. I was so open with him. So free. Look where that got me, though. Broken-hearted because the man I was falling for didn’t trust me when it was important, and I couldn’t trust him either.
How did everything get so screwed up? That he would think I’d sleep with him for a story still enrages me. How could he think so little of me? I saw a side of him I didn’t know was there and it scared me. It scared me so much that I was actually worried he had something to do with my sister’s disappearance. I realize now how crazy that was, but my head wasn’t in the right place after we discovered Lindsey was missing. Honestly, I feel awful about the things I said to him, but it doesn’t change the fact that we both failed each other. We should have been united, but instead we let our fears get in the way.
The buzzer sounds in my apartment again, and I see Lindsey visibly stiffen. She doesn’t like the idea of anyone seeing her like this and definitely doesn’t like unknown visitors. I pat her leg, trying to comfort her.
“It’s okay, honey. You’re safe.”
She gives me a sad smile. She knows she isn’t dealing with this very well and I’m constantly having to reassure her.
“Yes?” I answer through the speaker.
“Kasey, it’s me.”
Holy shit. Did I somehow summon Donovan with my thoughts? Knock it off, crazy girl. You don’t have some mystical psychic connection with the man.
“Kasey, I need to talk to you. It’s about an interview Sean wants to set up.”
“Okay, hold on a sec,” I tell him. I hit the buzzer to let him into the building, then step through my door. I’m not sure how Lindsey will react to a reminder of that awful day. She was fine when Jackson came to see us at the hospital, but that doesn’t mean she’s fine now. Neither of us are, really.
When I see him for the first time in almost two weeks, my heart feels like it’s going to beat right out of my chest. He always has a way of getting that reaction from me. It obviously hasn’t changed in our time apart. When he sees me, he stops in his tracks, putting his hand over his heart like he did the first night he picked me up for dinner. I want to run to him. To kiss him. To not let go. I know that would be a dumb move, though. We have solved nothing between us, just ignored things.
“Hi, beautiful,” he says to me.
I give him a cautious smile. “Hi yourself.”
“You look good,” he says.
“Thanks, you too.” Good God, we’re talking like strangers. So stiff, like we’ve barely said two words to each other in our entire lives. I hate it. I hate this distance.
“So, like I said, Sean wants to set up an interview about the… incident.” He’s so nervous. His eyes keep darting away from mine while he’s fidgeting with his watch, standing at a respectable distance from me. This isn’t the confident man I fell in love with. He’s afraid of scaring me off, trying not to get too close, like I’m a wounded animal.
“I was thinking you could do the interview, or at least write the story from both of our perspectives. I’m not sure I would trust this with anyone else.”
“Why? Because they would ask about your brother’s involvement and some bullshit might come out that hurts your campaign?” Christ, I am being an asshole right now. Apparently, I have some unresolved anger I’m still holding onto.
“Kasey, no. Of course not. What happened and the way I reacted was so out of line. I’m disgusted with myself and the things I said to you. I hate myself every day for ever saying that shit to you. I swear on everything, I didn’t mean them then, and I definitely wouldn’t say them now. I was so wrapped up in what people told me and warned me about my whole life. But I didn’t realize something that day. It was you. I didn’t realize that you are the one person I could trust. You are the one person who meant the most in that situation. You and your sister. Instead of listening to you and being there for you, I listened to the voices in my head telling me I can’t trust anyone. That was the stupidest thing I could have done, and it’s something I regret every single day. I am so sorry, Kasey. More than you can imagine. I know I fucked us up. I know you need time to concentrate on helping your sister. I just thought that you would want to write our story.”
Wow, the man apologizes incredibly well. He says all the right things, everything I wanted to hear that day. The only problem is I don’t know if I’m ready to forgive him.
“I’ll think about it and let you know.” I want him to take me in his arms so badly right now, but I need to get this straight in my head first before I dive back in. I’m too scared to jump right now. So instead, I turn and go back into my apartment, leaving him in the hallway. I shut the door and lean against it. I need something to hold me up because all I want to do is fall to the floor and cry. For myself, my sister, and Donovan. Nope, I can’t have a breakdown yet. That has to wait until I’m alone. I take a breath and open my eyes, giving Abigail and Lindsey a shaky smile.
