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Chapter Twenty-Eight
Astrid
I lie in bed with Lilli until she falls asleep. We’re at Erik’s house in Zurich. After we’d escaped Darkness, I’d transported us to my house. It was the easiest and safest transportation spell I could do. But I instantly remembered that the shadow goblins had demolished it, so we’d made our way to Erik’s via his company’s private jet.
A shadow fills the doorway and I turn to see Erik standing there. Slowly, I pull my arm out from under Lilli’s head, cradling it gently and setting it back down on the pillow. Then I crawl out of the huge bed in Erik’s guest room and pad across the floor to where he stands in the hallway.
“How is she?” he asks, his face crinkled with worry.
Since we’d left the hospital, Erik had gotten quieter and quieter. I can’t tell what’s going on in his head, because it seems that the incredible amount of magic I’d used to perform the spell to sever the tie between Darkness and Light, and of course bringing Erik back from death’s door, quite literally, had severed our joining spell as well. Which is strangely ironic.
But I don’t need a joining spell to figure out something’s bothering him. He’s been brooding, a frown on his face and brow furrowed most of the time, and for the last hour while I got Lilli asleep, he’d been gone. Not that I expect him to stay by my side every moment. I’m just glad he’s back now.
“She’s okay for now,” I say softly so we don’t wake her. “She was too exhausted from everything that happened to ask many questions. I’m sure there will be plenty tomorrow.”
Erik has his huge arms crossed over his chest, and his jaw is tighter than a band of iron. He looks down at his feet a moment before lifting his gaze to mine. “I don’t know how I can ever forgive myself for letting this happen,” he finally says.
I feel a shiver of unease. So, this is what has been bothering him. I shake my head. “It’s not your fault. Are you kidding? I’m the one who didn’t even know the truth behind her daughter’s heritage. I feel like the biggest idiot…”
“This isn’t on you.” Erik’s jaw tightens even more. “I showed up in your life, and Lilli’s. I made you a promise. And then I broke my word.”
I take a step closer to him. “If you hadn’t distracted Darkness and Light, I never would have been able to perform the spell to separate their bond. You sacrificed your life, quite literally. My vision in the cave… I was right. But what matters is that we’re all okay now.”
“It was too close. It nearly ended in disaster…” he trails off, looking angry.
“But it didn’t.” I take a deep breath, which trembles a little on its way back out. “Darkness and Light are ancient beings. I didn’t fully grasp the magnitude of it until I stood in their presence…” I trail off for a moment. “You’re one person. You can’t bear the burden alone.”
“If I had done the right thing from the beginning, and not let my feelings take over, I would have seen it coming.” His eyes flash silver and he turns and stalks away from me abruptly.
My heart does a flip inside my chest. “Erik…”
I jog after him, reaching out to grab his arm. He freezes, going still as a statue. I step in front of him, resting my hand over his heart.
“Please come back.” My voice comes out breathy. “It’s been a challenging day. Let’s just rest and revisit everything tomorrow.”
“There’s nothing to revisit,” he says slowly.
He reaches out and takes my hand where it rests on his heart, winding his fingers through mine. For a moment, I can feel his blood pulsing where our palms meet. Then he brings his hand down by my side and lets go.
“I don’t deserve your forgiveness.” His eyes have gone back to green, and they burn into mine. “I can’t be what you need me to be.”
And he turns and walks away again, leaving me alone in the hallway.
I draw in a shuddering breath. It feels like my heart is fracturing into a thousand pieces. But I force myself to hold it together, and slowly, I turn and walk back to Lilli’s room, crawling back into bed with her. Her breathing is even and relaxed, as if she hadn’t been abducted just hours before by a criminal organization. Tomorrow she will have questions, hard questions. I can barely even wrap my own brain around what I learned about her bloodline, and what that means for our future.
My heart doesn’t have time to break right now. I have to focus on Lilli. It’s not like this should be a surprise. I knew that things wouldn’t last with Erik. I just hadn’t anticipated things ending exactly like this, especially after everything we’ve been through. He’d chosen to come back to me when he could have stayed with Kára. Maybe, though, having a near-death experience had made him reevaluate what he wants in his life. Who he wants in his life.
I just hate that his guilt is what’s driving him away.
He’s right about one thing: getting caught up in our feelings was a mistake.
I listen to Lilli’s breathing, feeling a rush of gratitude that she’s safe, and we broke the connection between Darkness and Light. The Night Guild was dealt a fatal blow tonight. I did what I set out to do. That’s what matters. Lilli and I are used to being on our own. Things can go back to the way they used to be.
Except it feels like everything has changed.
I start up a mantra to shift my focus. Lilli is safe. The Night Guild is on its last leg. I’ll be okay.
My heart isn’t breaking.
My heart isn’t breaking.
My heart isn’t breaking…
