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“But she’s unhappy because she lied.”
“Exactly. What do I do?”
We talk for another hour or so and when we leave, I feel a little more confident. The problem is, the key to dealing with this is going to be getting more information and, ultimately, to catch her in dishonest behavior unless I plan to ask her about every damned thing there is to ask her and hope she folds.”
Jesus, being the Daddy I ought to be is a lot of work.
I chuckle at the thought as I drive toward home. I’ll take the hard work. The alternative is a string of terrible relationships. If I can’t have a good relationship, the right kind of relationship, I don’t want one at all. It really is that simple as far as I’m concerned. Of course, simple isn’t the same as easy. I mean, I realize that I have the relationship I always wanted.
She makes it her goal in life to please me.
She makes it her goal in life to submit to me.
She makes it her goal in life to be the little girl I want.
That’s what I wanted but it isn’t what I want. I understand now how shallow that is, how it isn’t really fulfilling for me and how it isn’t fulfilling for her. The problem is I love her. I love what she does and I love my life.
Except that I can’t bear the thought of her getting the short end of the stick.
Who knows, maybe our relationship will last another year. Maybe it will last two. Maybe she will never decide to leave me because she’s unfulfilled.
I can’t accept that my little girl might spend her whole life unfulfilled. I just can’t. That part is very simple, and I don’t need to struggle or work to understand that.
But that doesn’t make it easy because I can’t see myself interrogating her over everything she tells me just to make sure she’s not just telling me what she thinks I want to hear. I can’t imagine trying to live that way. I also don’t know what assumptions I might have that came from her pretending to be comfortable or happy with something that she’s not.
I have to wait.
I have to wait and do my best in our everyday life to see when something doesn’t feel right. What if I miss it? What if I mess up? What if nothing changes because I can’t figure it out. This isn’t about me not having a little girl anymore. Those days are long past. This is about me not doing the best that I can for the girl I love. This isn’t theoretical. I need to find a way to get Tamara to accept her right to be an equal partner even if she is the little girl.
How the hell am I going to do that, though?
