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CHAPTER SEVEN
Tamara
The movie ends and I’m still giggling a little when Daddy turns the television off. I turn to him with a smile and then shriek as he leaps forward and his fingers move like crazy, tickling me sides and along my ribs. I giggle and squirm and try to get away but there’s no hope at all. Daddy loves tickling me.
I hate it.
I hate it completely.
I have always hated tickling. When I was a little child, there was a cousin who was a bully to me and would hold me down and tickle torture me. I won’t be so drama-filled as to call that childhood trauma but it’s about the most traumatic thing in my little corner of the world. Of all the things in my life I hate, this is the thing I hate the most.
Daddy tickles me just about every day.
He has no idea how much I hate it.
For a year I let him tickle me and act like it’s all part of the wonderful, happy relationship.
After all, don’t little girls like being tickled? Isn’t that something a Daddy should be able to do to his little girl? Isn’t that a pretty damned typical thing to do, in fact? I’ve lost too many relationships and too many Daddies to let myself lose a man when I can just suffer through it.
But it’s a year.
It’s a year of this happening and I just can’t handle it.
I scream, “No!” and Daddy instantly freezes. Then, I roll of the couch and run as fast as I can for the door. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing or why I’m doing it. I’m just in sheer panic mode. I just screamed at Jack for doing what probably every single Daddy on Earth does with every single little girl.
One more.
One more tanked relationship. What the hell did I think I was doing? How the hell did I think I could ever be the kind of little girl who can please a Daddy? How in the fuck did I get myself into a relationship in the first place? I’m a damned loser. I’m a stupid, stupid idiot and I’ll never be the kind of little girl that can keep a man.
I run down out the door and down the driveway to the sidewalk and run more. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing or where I’m going because I’m just panicking. I run to the end of the block and then across the street. It’s late at night and I can’t see very well but that’s just the start. I’m running wearing nothing but a thin tee shirt and thin pajama bottoms.
No shoes.
No socks.
No jacket even though it’s cold.
And all these thoughts run through my head but I still can’t think clearly enough to stop myself. I make it another block. The little park is right ahead and I run through the grass, getting stickers in my feet as I do. I finally stop at a park bench and look around in panic.
Jesus.
What the hell am I doing?
I remember a time in elementary school when I lost the twenty-eight dollars for selling candy bars for the school and I was sick as I could be about it. I didn’t know what to do. So, I lied to my teacher and just said I forgot to bring it in. I did that for days on end and when she finally called my parents so that they could be sure to remind me, everything came out. It felt to me like the world was ending. I remembered just kind of shrinking inwardly, just disappearing into nothing for a moment. If felt nauseas and sick, like everything I’d been hiding had been revealed. I felt exposed and frightened and vulnerable. I felt like every good thing in my life was gone and every bad thing would linger forever.
And I feel the same way now.
I sit down on the bench and stare at the park pathway, trying to figure out a way to wrap my head around the sudden chance in circumstances. I can’t really wrap my head around it as much as I try. I feel desolate. I feel… what’s the word?
Inconsolable.
That’s it.
There’s no consolation for what I’ve done.
“Little girl!” I hear Jack’s voice and it startles me. “Get up off that bench right now! We’re going home!” His tone of voice makes it clear that this isn’t up for negotiation and I can’t help myself. I stand and look around. He’s standing on the pathway.
I am so damned horny I think I could explode.
