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“I want you to tell me what’s going on.”
I don’t say anything for a beat. I don’t know how to start.
I shoot my eyes across to Jess and see how her throat works a swallow. The tension around her mouth. The way her eyes widen more and more. “Chris?”
I scrape a hand over my face. “Jess, I don’t want children.”
Her eyes go wide, and she sucks in a breath of air. She runs a hand up and down her arms like she’s fighting off a chill. “What do you mean you don’t want kids? Surely you mean you don’t want them now? Maybe you haven’t thought much about it?” The words rush out of her mouth as she shakes her head in disbelief.
“No, I mean I’m never having kids. I don’t want them now. I don’t want them in a couple of years. It’s a deal breaker for me, Jess,”
Her arms fall to her side. “Oh.”
“I take it you do.” I know the answer before she even gives it to me.
Tears well in her eyes. “Yes.”
I take a pull from my beer. More than a pull, really. I nearly drain the bottle. “I’m sorry.”
She looks at me like I’ve lost my ever-loving mind for dropping a bomb on her like this and offering a weak-assed apology. Like the word sorry can really soothe what has annihilated our foundation.
“Why?”
“Why don’t I want kids?”
“Yes, I mean, how can you not want kids? I see you with Tatum. You are so good with her. You love her, for God’s sake. Why wouldn’t you want your own?”
I feel myself shut down. It’s the same feeling I have when I come back from a tour. Everything in me is closing up. “Don’t ask me that.”
“You’ve just told me you don’t want kids, and you expect me not to ask why?” Her balled hands go to her hips.
Why can’t I tell her? She deserves to know why.
“Chris, tell me why. You owe me that much.”
I see the hurt in her eyes and know that without a doubt, I’ve just ruined the best fucking thing that ever happened to me. I’m so pissed with myself right now I can hardly stand to be in my skin. So what do I do? I lash out.
“Jess, I don’t owe you a damn thing. Kids are a deal breaker for me. End of story.” I stare at her, and I can feel myself becoming a stranger.
“I see.” She takes a step back.
I hang my head, hating the pain flashing in her eyes.
“Maybe you should go.”
My head snaps up, eyes wide, and we stare at each other for a long minute. Finally, I take a step forward and wrap her in my arms before kissing her on her head. “I’m so sorry.”
“Does that mean you’ll tell me why?”
Regret stamps across my features, and it’s my turn to take a step back. But just a small one because I can’t stand the distance between us. Jess starts crying, and I wipe the tears with the pads of my thumbs.
“Chris.” Her lip trembles, and I watch her fight to contain the sobs. She takes a deep breath and whispers. “I want children. I’ve always wanted them. It’s a deal breaker for me too.”
I grab the back of my neck. I can’t believe this is fucking happening. “I’m sorry,” I choke.
Jess finally lets out a sob, and it nearly kills me. I step toward her, but she raises her hands. “Don’t. Please don’t. Just go.”
“Jess—”
