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“Last week, on my op, I failed, and something terrible happened. I’ve failed too many people. What if I couldn’t protect my child? I can’t, Squeak. I just can’t.”
Dylan moves and kneels in front of me. “Do you think you could be reacting too hastily on this decision? Chris, you took care of me when I needed it the most, and look how I turned out.”
I shoot her a look.
She shoves my shoulder. “Wise guy.” Getting off her haunches, she sits next to me again. “I’m serious, Chris. You’re beating yourself up about things you can’t control and things that might never happen. If you knew without a doubt that having a child would lead to something awful happening, then sure, I’d support you one hundred percent, but you don’t have a crystal ball, and you can’t see this stuff. Don’t throw a future away because of something that might never happen.”
My eyebrow shoots up. “I could say the same.”
Her face falls, and I wish I hadn’t said anything. I hadn’t meant to be a jerk, but it’s an argument Dylan and I have had since she tested positive for the BRAC1 mutation. “That’s different, and you know it.”
“Not much.”
She reaches into her back pocket and hands me her keys. “Just think about it, okay? Don’t make decisions right now when you’re so emotional.”
I’m not going to waste my breath by arguing with my sister right now. I take the keys and give her a hug. “Be careful with Basil.”
“Always.”
“I don’t like the idea of you hanging around in a cage with a giant gorilla.”
“Oh, but hanging around with you is fine.”
“Haha,” I tug gently on her ponytail the way I had when she was a kid. “I’m serious. He’s a wild animal, and I don’t like that he took so long to be put out.”
“Chris, this is my job. Go home and get out of my hair. Stop worrying about me and think about your future with Jess.”
I don’t remind her that there is no future with Jess. I’d rather save my breath.
***
I hear Dylan come in at 2:15. I tried to fall asleep a good few hours ago and just couldn’t manage. My brain ruminated on her words, and I started to wonder if maybe I had had a knee-jerk reaction.
I’d been tempted a few times to call Jess to discuss this with her, but that would be irresponsible. I needed to be sure of what I wanted before I messed her around.
I sit up. “How did it go with reintegrating Basil with the troop?”
“Jesus, you scared the piss out of me.” She drops her keys, and they clatter to the hardwood floor. She reaches down and grabs them, then stands upright, clutching her hands to her chest.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.”
She flips on a lamp and grabs a throw off the bright blue chair on the opposite side of the coffee table. “It went well. No issues.”
“Good.”
“You comfy enough on the couch?”
“Yeah, I’m good.”
She hands me the throw. “Here, in case your tootsies get cold.”
I take it and snort. “Thanks.”
She looks at me with concern. “You wanna talk some more? I’ve got some beers, and I’m still pretty wired from everything that went down with Basil.”
That’s the last thing I want.
“Thanks, but I’m pretty wiped.” It’s not a complete lie. I am exhausted.
“All right, I’ll go have a good soak then. See you in the morning.” She salutes me.
“See you then.”
As soon as Dylan closes her bedroom door, I lean forward, resting my elbows on my knees and cradling my head in my hands.
Jesus, I fucked up royally. I need to figure out a way to fix this. Good thing I’m used to minimal sleep.
