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Chapter Thirty-Two – Tank
The past few weeks have been one gut twist after the other, and leaving Israel this morning just added to the mix. I expected him to question me. To fuss or complain. Basically, to do anything other than look at me with resignation that felt like a knife to the gut. And then to see him wipe the tears away when he didn’t know I was watching him in the rearview mirror was indescribable. The fact that this kid has experienced so much loss and rejection in his young life that he just accepts kills me.
I promised him I’d be back. I told him I’d call him every day. I swore to him this wouldn’t be the last, but I could tell he didn’t believe a thing I was saying. Brandon stood next to him, holding Israel’s too-small hand in his as I drove away. Each mile I put between me and the house increased my pain.
Fuck, I don’t know how this kid wormed his way into my heart so quickly, but he did, and without even knowing it, he changed my life. Watching Israel’s strength of will gave me courage of my own. A gift I am determined to not let go to waste. I need to be worthy of the little dude and making things right, no matter what the outcome, is a step in that direction.
Now, as I stand outside the gym, I can literally feel the sweat dripping down my back, and it isn’t from the weather. I’m so fucking nervous I could puke right here in the parking lot. I take a deep breath like I do moments before the pivotal point of any mission. I cancel out all the white noise and distractions and head toward the door of the gym. But when I see Jess stretching out on her mat, a participant instead of the teacher today, everything comes rushing back, and I’m fucking scared.
Jess looks up and our eyes lock in the mirror on the back wall. She startles and whips her head around, eyes wide for a moment before she collects herself. Keagan gives the class an instruction to stretch to the other side, and she does. I watch to see if she winces or is in any pain, but I don’t see any signs of that and relax marginally. I don’t know anything about exercising after surgery, but I trust that Jess knows what she’s doing.
The class breaks up, and she makes her way to me, swallowing at least half her bottle of water on the way. I see the hurt in her eyes as well as nerves, and I’m sure she can see the same in mine. Seeing her walk toward me and knowing she’s no longer mine is physically painful.
“Hi.” Her voice is a mere whisper.
“Hi, I hope you don’t mind. Skyla told me where I could find you.”
“No, not at all.”
Someone behind Jess smiles at me and coughs.
“Oh, sorry. I’m in the way.” Jess moves aside and then smiles nervously at me. “Should we go outside to talk? We’re kinda gumming up the works here.”
“Yeah, sure.”
I step aside to let Jess through the door first, my hand instinctively going to her back. Fuck, it feels so good to touch her, but it adds another layer of pain. I feel her flinch and move my hand quickly.
I get into step with Jess, and we walk in uncomfortable silence to her car as she puts her jacket on. When she throws her bag in the backseat and looks at me expectantly, I know I have to say something soon. The gym parking lot isn’t really where I wanted to have this conversation, but it’s what I have to work with, and thankfully, people have cleared out pretty quickly.
“How are you?” I ask. My words sound awkward, stupid, and I’m sure there are a million better ways to break the ice, but I can’t think right now.
“Good… fine… great… yeah, fine,” Jess stutters.
Her eyes flick to her stomach and then meet mine just as fast. “I’m okay. Fully recovered, I think.”
“That’s great.” Fuck, could this get any more uncomfortable? I jam my hands into my jeans.
I see Keagan lock the gym up and head to his car. He shoots a concerned glance at Jess but waves when I lift my hand in greeting. Jess turns around and does the same and then looks back at me. “Does it make me a bitch to think the guy is still a total turd even after he’s covered for me for a month?”
I smile. “If it makes you a bitch, it makes me a jerk ’cause I feel the same.”
She smiles back, and some of the tension leaves her shoulders.
“Jess, can we go someplace to talk?”
I see her eyes well up, and she quickly looks away at a squirrel climbing a tree. “Sure, how about our place? I mean—”
“Sounds good.” I cut her off, not wanting her to feel more awkward than we both do already.
“How did you get here?”
“I have my truck. Dylan picked me up from the airport, and I dropped her off at home before coming here. After a shower, of course. According to Dylan, I was nasty after the flight.”
“Well, you smell amazing now.”
Her face goes beet red, and I chuckle. “Thank you.”
She all but dives headfirst into her car. “See you in a bit.”
